IRL • Aug 13 2018

BEHOLD: Pumpkin Spice Booze, because Pumpkin Spice Lattes are over and they haven’t invented Pumpkin Spice Cocaine yet

Catch me snorting nutmeg

There is nothing wrong with a Pumpkin Spice Latte. Like astrology, Lush bath bombs, and any novel written by a woman, PSLs are in a special club of things that are objectively good and fun but hated on by dudes and girls who haven't yet realized that dudes who hate those things are garbage. But at my age, coffee is no longer just a beverage or something I get on a day-date with a guy I have no intention of ever sleeping with: it is the drug that keeps me both alive and employed. Every day, getting out of bed feels more and more like I'm a mouse stuck in one of those awful glue traps. And every day, I turn to caffeine (and the occasional pharmaceutical) to get me going.

Sadly, that's why I can't drink PSLs anymore. I need plain, strong, unadorned coffee — the coffee equivalent of white heroin. That potent shit, you know? The problem is I still want the delicious autumnal taste of pumpkin and its spawn, pumpkin spice. Sure, I could like, eat a pumpkin muffin…but I'm really only interested in things that at first make me feel superhuman and then like a reanimated corpse. So booze it is, y'all!

Luckily for us, we live in a golden age of destroying our bodies. There are virtually unlimited options for cozy, fall-tinged cocktails, for which I am grateful. Captain Morgan has a pumpkin spiced rum called the Jack-o-Blast (unsure what the pun was supposed to be here, what exactly does blast mean in this context?) and it comes in a delightful pumpkin-shaped plastic bottle. If lining your cabinet tops with liquor bottles were a decor move acceptable beyond sophomore year of college, I'd say stick 'em up there! (But it's not a thing anymore, so please recycle.) A weird liquor store forum informs me there's also a pumpkin-flavored whiskey on the market, called Sons of Liberty. The label says SEASONAL RELEASE which I know means limited edition but I'm going to pretend it's about The Purge!

No word yet on pumpkin vodka for you skinny bitches out there, but I'll let you know if I hear anything. In the meantime, maybe just add a splash of any pumpkin-flavored booze into your regular shmegular bodega coffee? Best of both worlds right there.

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