Pure sunbeam of a freshman makes a college bucket list, doesn’t know the hellish inferno awaiting her

Wide-eyed, bushy-tailed and wearing lanyards with pride, we once squealed with excitement over the prospect of drinking lukewarm beer in damp frat house basements. We quivered nervously on our first-ever Tinder date and wondered if it would end with a kiss or maybe even something more (!!), and we even convinced ourselves that we would go to our professor's office hours.

Of course, it was only a matter of time before the reality of collegiate life set in and hardened us into jaded, wizened elders who knew exactly which frats to avoid (all of them, pretty much), where the best spot on campus is for an impromptu threesome (the library study rooms), and what time to wake up to make it to class with exactly two seconds to spare (if we went to class at all). But we were all young once!

So we can all kind of relate to this pure and wholesome college freshman who eagerly wrote the following bucket list for college:

My sweet child. Look, it's not her fault she's too pure for this world! She's just excited to go to a crazy party and maybe even kiss a frat boy and have a sleepover with someone she likes, you know, in that way.

Unfortunately, college is a disgusting cesspool and something tells me that things won't exactly pan out in the way she imagines. Sure, she'll check some things off her list, including giving blood and buying an article of clothing, but the next four years will mostly be one big case study in shattered expectations. For example:

Expectation: Kiss a stranger

Reality: Drunkenly make out with a cute albeit sweaty guy as he grinds against you in a dark and grimy frat party with Cardi B playing in the background, go back to his room to sleep with him except he's too drunk to get hard so you just pass out instead, and wake up the next morning and realizing with belated horror that he's 1) not cute AT ALL and 2) your lab partner. Oh, fuck.

Expectation: Try at least one shot

Reality: Take twelve shots of Rubinoff in a row because the first one "didn't do anything" and then wake up the next morning in a hospital bed with an IV drip in your arm, 25 missed calls from your mom, and an ambulance bill that contains more zeros than you've ever seen in your life.

Expectation: Use Tinder

Reality: Download Tinder, Bumble, Coffee Meets Bagel, Hinge, and spend three hours every day swiping left on every single person. Match with one halfway decent-looking guy who messages you "u up" at 2 am. Bored, you go over to his room only to find that he's five inches shorter than you expected and also balding. Sleep with him anyway.

Expectation: Go to a crazy party

Reality: Stand in line for what feels like 5 hours at the frat house as the guy at the door tells you and everyone else that they're "at capacity" while simultaneously letting in every girl wearing six inch heels. Finally get in the party (after parting ways with your guy friends, who were "messing up the ratio") only to realize that you don't know a single person. You and your friends stand in the corner and bop around awkwardly, clutching warm PBRs, until someone finally volunteers to call an Uber to the nearest McDonald's.

Expectation: Fall in love

Reality: Meet a hot guy in class who is THE ONE. He's literally perfect. You start talking to him in class, studying with him in the library, and going on long midnight walks with him around campus while talking about your deepest fears and highest ambitions. You find yourself falling in love with him, and you're sure that he feels the same way. One fateful night, after a three-hour long conversation about your families, your eyes lock and he leans in and kisses you. He takes you back to his room and you make sweet, sweet love all night long. It's…beautiful. Like a scene from a movie. The next day he ghosts you and never speaks to you ever again.

Look, I really hope that she's able to find her place in college — maybe in a sweet sorority full of equally nice girls who have wholesome sleepovers where they paint each other's nails and pretend to kiss cardboard cutouts of Harry Styles.

But let's be real here. More likely than not, she's going to end up vomiting and passing out face-first in her own puke on the dirty bathroom floor of Kappa Sig while her sorority sister fucks three random guys and a girl in the shower right behind her.

Oh sweetie. Oh you pure, sweet, delicate angel baby. This world is too dark, too brutal, too harsh for your big heart and tender dreams and wistful fantasies. She needs to be protected AT ALL COSTS.

@nian_hu