47 things I now know about Judge Brett Kavanaugh


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47 things I now know about Judge Brett Kavanaugh

He really likes beer, y’all!

Today's Senate Judiciary Committee hearing about Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh has been illuminating to say the least. Dr. Christine Blasey Ford detailed a harrowing allegation of an attempted rape. Her voice shook with emotion, but she calmly and carefully answered everything asked of her. Testimony from Judge Kavanaugh is particularly detailed-filled. So detailed, in fact, that I thought it was worth writing every single thing I've learned so far in hopes this wisdom might impact future generations:

47. Brett Kavanaugh liked beer as a teenager

46. Brett Kavanaugh still likes beer to this very day

45. Brett Kavanaugh was a high school quarterback. Sometimes he was a wide receiver, but mostly the quarterback

44. Brett Kavanaugh tutored special needs kids in high school

43. Brett Kavanaugh loves calendars a lot

42. Brett Kavanaugh gets sick when he thinks about spaghetti with ketchup instead of regular spaghetti sauce

41. Brett Kavanaugh gets sick if he eats spicy foods

40. Brett Kavanaugh is friends with a woman named Julie

39. Brett Kavanaugh is friends with a woman named Becky

38. Brett Kavanaugh is friends with a ton of women actually, and they texted him just last night but no you can't see the texts I'll just read them aloud to you instead

37. Brett Kavanaugh asked for a hearing the very next day after Dr. Ford's accusation because m'mans wants what he wants and he wants it now!

36. Brett Kavanaugh ran track in high school

35. Brett Kavanaugh ran to "get faster" in high school which like, same

34. Brett Kavanaugh loved the game 'The Devil's Triad' in college, which I guess is like Quarters but he really didn't explain it too well

33. Brett Kavanaugh's high school yearbook was a disaster! (His words)

32. Brett Kavanaugh has never passed out from drinking. He just falls asleep, which is different

31. Brett Kavanaugh is going to take a step back and explain high school

30. Brett Kavanaugh had some craaazy times with Judge, PJ, Squee and the boys haha yeah those were the days, huh?

29. Brett Kavanaugh put your tongue away please, my god

28. Brett Kavanaugh said he sometimes had too many drinks

27. But Brett Kavanaugh has never forgotten anything that happened on a night out while drinking

26. Brett Kavanaugh always consulted "the chart" when deciding how many beers was too many, according to the CDC's blood-alcohol guidelines

25. Brett Kavanaugh likes beer! Do you? What's your drink of choice?

24. Brett Kavanaugh's daughter asked to pray for Dr. Ford which definitely really happened

23. Brett Kavanaugh has been through hell

22. Brett Kavanaugh's dad used calendars, too

21. Brett Kavanaugh never threw a single calendar away for more than 30 years because hey, you never know

20. B E A C H W E E K

19. Brett Kavanaugh's friend spoke with a stutter, but only when saying the word FUCK

18. Brett Kavanaugh hired competent women to work for him so checkmate, misandrists

17. For Brett Kavanaugh, going to church on Sundays is like brushing his teeth: automatic

16. Still is

15. Brett Kavanaugh thinks Dr. Ford was assaulted by someone

14. Brett Kavanaugh also thinks the Clintons made Dr. Ford do this

13. Brett Kavanaugh vows revenge on his enemies OR he's still really into that one Justin Timberlake song, it's still unclear

12. Brett Kavanaugh welcomes any and all investigations, except ones by the FBI

11. Brett Kavanaugh knows what a 302 is

10. Brett Kavanaugh will never, ever quit

9. Brett Kavanaugh has another female friend, and this one was also sexually assaulted

8. Brett Kavanaugh makes fart jokes but who hasn't?

7. Brett Kavanaugh busted his butt to make good grades in high school

6. Brett Kavanaugh is just as much of a victim as Dr. Ford. Shit, didn't we just say she wasn't a victim of anything?

5. Brett Kavanaugh was a big ol' virgin in high school

4. Brett Kavanaugh might still be a virgin today

3. Brett Kavanaugh is sorry he did that

2. Brett Kavanaugh likes beer

1. Brett Kavanaugh should absolutely never, ever serve on the United States Supreme Court