Studies show LaCroix ingredients could kill you, but is life without LaCroix even worth living?

Look, I know gentrification is evil and everything, but it really doesn't feel that way sometimes. Sorry, but I don't see anything wrong with overpriced avocado toasts, $10 flat whites that make me feel sophisticated and European, and cans of sparkling water with a vaguely French-sounding name! I know it's fun to hate on La Croix, but what exactly is so bad about it? Dare I say that it even tastes…good?

But it turns out that the woke teenagers on Twitter were right all along and gentrification truly IS the downfall of society. In fact, gentrification is killing us all slowly. According to a recent lawsuit, LaCroix apparently contains cockroach insecticide. Roach spray? In my bougie seltzer water? It's more likely than you think!

Despite LaCroix's claim that its mildly-flavored beverages are made entirely with natural ingreidents, the lawsuit claims that LaCroix actually contains several synthetic chemicals — including linalool, which is a chemical used by pest professionals as insecticide for cockroaches, fleas, fruit flies, and moths.

And this is how the rich eventually eat the poor. This is how the bourgeoisie wins, time and time again! First they lure you into the upper echelon of society by enticing you with fancy carbonated beverages that almost taste like mango if you really use your imagination. Then they spike your drinks with insecticide and laugh uproariously as you and the rest of the proletariat collapse.

If this doesn't warn you against the evils of gentrification, then I don't know what will. Is La Croix going to poison us all and end humanity as we know it? Only time will tell…but at least they can say we died doing what we loved!

@nian_hu