Studies show LaCroix ingredients could kill you, but is life without LaCroix even worth living?
Death by sparkling water? Sign me up!
by Nian Hu
Look, I know gentrification is evil and everything, but it really doesn't feel that way sometimes. Sorry, but I don't see anything wrong with overpriced avocado toasts, $10 flat whites that make me feel sophisticated and European, and cans of sparkling water with a vaguely French-sounding name! I know it's fun to hate on La Croix, but what exactly is so bad about it? Dare I say that it even tastes…good?
But it turns out that the woke teenagers on Twitter were right all along and gentrification truly IS the downfall of society. In fact, gentrification is killing us all slowly. According to a recent lawsuit, LaCroix apparently contains cockroach insecticide. Roach spray? In my bougie seltzer water? It's more likely than you think!
Despite LaCroix's claim that its mildly-flavored beverages are made entirely with natural ingreidents, the lawsuit claims that LaCroix actually contains several synthetic chemicals — including linalool, which is a chemical used by pest professionals as insecticide for cockroaches, fleas, fruit flies, and moths.
And this is how the rich eventually eat the poor. This is how the bourgeoisie wins, time and time again! First they lure you into the upper echelon of society by enticing you with fancy carbonated beverages that almost taste like mango if you really use your imagination. Then they spike your drinks with insecticide and laugh uproariously as you and the rest of the proletariat collapse.
If this doesn't warn you against the evils of gentrification, then I don't know what will. Is La Croix going to poison us all and end humanity as we know it? Only time will tell…but at least they can say we died doing what we loved!
Never forget that a frat once held a press conference to deny accusations of buttchugging
The greatest self-own of all time
by Harry Shukman
In a world of fake news and extraordinary headlines, it's hard to believe that a fraternity once held a press conference to deny allegations of buttchugging – but that's what happened exactly six years ago.After one of their brothers was rushed to hospital for boozing too hard, Pi Kappa Alpha at the University of Tennessee invited…
Avocados aren’t vegan, you absolute imbeciles
How dare you call yourself ‘conscious’
by Caroline Phinney
Avocados definitely aren't "vegan," and I'm surprised none of you knew this in the first place, since you seem to spend every waking second Googling, preaching and breathing veganism.Let me guess? You thought avocados just grew and pollinated themselves? Typical millennial mindset, if you ask me. But a new video from the BBC quiz show…
A bunch of sick fucks are trying to exploit Mac Miller’s death for cash
There is only one official fundraiser
by Caroline Phinney
A month after his death, Mac Miller's family has had to release a statement to fans warning them about fake fundraisers for their son. Speaking to XXL, they spoke out about a number of fraudulent events announced under the guise of "fundraising for causes on his behalf."The only official fundraiser anyone should trust is the…