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Everyone shut UP and go HOME because I’ve found the greatest Halloween costume ever worn by man or beast
I present you The Halloween King
by Nian Hu
Ladies, it's only a week away from Halloween and you know what that means! Throw away the bags of candy corn and slices of pumpkin pie because it's time to get skinty and pray that you can still fit into the slutty Tinkerbell costume that accidentally came in a size too small.
And if you're not an absolute degenerate like me, then you would have already prepared MULTIPLE costumes because Halloween is on a Wednesday this year — which means you need a costume for the weekend before, the weekend after, and also probably every day of the week. Just take all my money already, Yandy!
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And sure, it's not exactly original to dress up as a sexy firefighter or sexy SWAT officer or sexy Slenderman. But what's a girl supposed to do? DIY her own outfits like some kind of Zoella-esque YouTube vlogger who can drop hundreds of dollars on yards of fabric and Swarovski crystals that she'll never use ever again? Yeah, I don't think so.
That being said, I am willing to spend every last penny in my bank account to dress up my dog as a wind-up elephant. I don't even have a dog, but I'll go out and adopt one THIS SECOND. Behold, the most iconic Halloween costume of all time:
Watch as this festive pint-sized pupper gallivants about in its tailor-made elephant costume, with its trunk swinging wildly. The little dude collapses on the floor out of sheer giddiness, but a friendly nearby human winds it back up and it's good to go in no time. Off you go, Halloween mutt!
We might as well give up now, ladies. There's no way that any of us will EVER be able to compete. I don't care how much special effect makeup you use to make half your face look like it's been burned off, or how many hours you spend hand-sewing the perfect Marilyn Monroe replica dress. Nothing — NOTHING — will come close to capturing the pure essence of Halloween in the way that this tiny elephant dog does.