Let’s just cancel Capricorn season, ok?

It's cold. I'm tired, you're tired. And we're all in search of some good, old-fashioned escapism, preferably in the form of reality TV fight montages and cheese-ensconced carbs. So why are we as a society allowing Capricorn season to keep happening? Every winter, when I'm already feeling like an iPhone whose 20 percent battery warning just popped up, the most pessimistic creatures in the zodiac level up into their final forms. And I'm sick of it!

So sure, Capricorns can have many great qualities. They're smart, hardworking, and wise in a way typically reserved for cartoon owls wearing glasses and graduation caps. But beneath that pragmatic surface is a harsh, vast tundra of "I told you so!" and "Yeah, that's not happen" that will chip away at your soul until you die. Like, sure, I know in my heart of hearts that the reason he hasn't texted me back in 76 hours and 40 minutes is because he doesn't like me but you're only allowed to tell me as much when the sun is shining and I'm at peak tan sexiness. That's when my ego can take it! Right now, in the grey slog of winter, I need the unflappable optimism of a Leo! The feel-good analysis of a Cancer! The willingness to throw a brick through someone's window like a Scorpio!

My modest proposal is thus: Cancel January, cancel Capricorns. Cast them all into the icy sea and let's all just watch Vanderpump Rules instead.