The awful guys you’ll meet on Tinder before you ditch men altogether
You know what, I’m probably alright on my own
Is there a better microcosm of the human condition than Tinder? Except for Bumble, probably not. What do you do when you’re bored in the evening? Swipe. What are your group chats filled with screenshots of? Boys from dating apps. What do you do when you’re tagged in an amazing pic? Put it on your profile. It’s everywhere.
You’d think for how much we talk about it and think about it, we’d be nailing it. But we’re not. In fact babe’s sexual attitudes survey found that nearly half of us – 44 per cent – have either completely given up on it or have never used a dating app at all.
And of those who do, over half – 63 per cent – have never had sex with someone they met while use the app. 76 per cent of us have never found love, or had a relationship from someone we met while swiping either. That’s probably because it’s full of guys like this.
The guy who really wants you to know he travels
First picture: Sai Yok. Tristan crouches beaming next to a heavily-drugged tiger. Second picture: Koh Phangan. Tristan poses in a vest at night with multi-coloured paint strewn across his forehead. Third picture: Byron Bay. Tristan lounges uncomfortably on top of a hired camper van, the sparkling blue sea behind.
Real life: Tristan works in HR in a cramped office in Tooting. As he commutes to work, he thinks about his long-gone gap year and wishes he’d had the balls to stay at that beach bar in Bali.
Cynical dog guy
He’s read a Men’s Health article on “How to nail your dating profile,” and now he thinks he has all the answers. Well, one answer: girls will go crazy for you if you have a dog. Except, the dog isn’t his. It’s his mate’s, or his ex-girlfriend’s, or literally one he stopped for a picture with in the street. Not that that will stop you swiping right and asking him all about.
The guy who takes loads of selfies
Selfie in the bathroom, selfie lying down, selfie anywhere he realistically looks fit. Does he have any friends though? Is he real? Would he suggest we have a first date “at his” and then kill me with his hands? I need a character witness – get a photo with a friend for fuck’s sake.
The guy who is very obviously a personal trainer
He could be on the beach; he could be in the gym changing rooms; he could be out for dinner for his mum. No matter where his photo is, his abs and traps and pecs and lats will be displayed with such devastating force that it makes you shout “holy hell” and almost drop your phone, before swiping left in the interest of your own safety.
‘Is that your girlfriend’ guy
Is that his girlfriend? I mean, she seems to be in every single photo with him. They’re on holiday together in this one – that’s not normal. And there’s no way you’d take a picture this close with a girl if you weren’t romantically involved. You know what, fuck this, they’re probably one of those weird couples looking for a threesome and I just don’t have time for that.
You swipe left, blissfully unaware that it was just his sister.
The guy who works in finance, but doesn’t tell you he works in finance, but wants to show with his pictures that he works in finance
I know you work in finance. I know you work in finance. Oh my god I KNOW YOU WORK IN FINANCE. Look, we can both concede that a job in the city is not cool. Investment bankers conjure up grim images of old, flabby, red-tie wearing Tories and the job title “Financial Analyst” is literally the least sexy descriptor in the entire world. But be true to who you are, otherwise you’ll always have to deal with the slightly crestfallen ‘oh right’ expression when you reveal what you do 15 minutes into a first date.
Pros: He got that money tho.
The guy who doesn’t understand how this app works
A screenshot of a Facebook profile pic is great – thanks for your full name, now I can check whether your photos are misleading – but it also makes you look old and past it. Lemme guess, long term relationship just ended, which means for the past few years not a lot of photos of you have been taken. Is that why you have included a Snapchat screenshot, two of the same photo in third and fourth place, and a solidarity with Paris French flag filtered pic. Oh, hun. The internet is hard.
Group picture guy
Is it that one? The guy on the left with the lantern jaw? Or maybe it’s the one on the right with the beard – yeah, I could probably fuck with that. Surely it’s not the guy in the middle, right? Surely not? Does he think this is a fucking game?
It’ll be the guy in the middle.
The ‘fun’ guy
He went to Aston or Northumbria or Leicester; a mid-table thicko who’s up for a laugh. If he was a girl he’d literally have ‘live laugh love’ in a frame above his bed with fairy-lights on it.
Fun guy likes: rugby sevens, zoot suits, morph suits, posing in front of statues so it looks like he’s being bummed by beautiful Italian sculptures he saw on his latest lads holiday, accumulators, Avicii, the lads, South East Asia (he first went at 24). He lives in Clapham and he loves his mates and if you get serious at any point in your fling he’ll retreat immediately, calling you boring and moany to his friends in the 25-strong fantasy football WhatsApp chat they’re all in.
The guy who’s so artsy that he might be a psychopath
Quentin’s photos are all taken on a disposable camera or heavily use that filter that makes it look like he does. Quite a few of them only show parts of his body – a profile of him in an overcoat, smoking on a street which could be in Dalston but who knows. Him filming something, hunched over a camera, looking away. Him lying on a beach in black and white, skateboarding into the distance in sepia tone, looking always a bit unamused by everything which happens in his life.
You don’t know quite what his deal is. Is he an artist? Is he miserable? Does he have a beautiful mind? Will he kill you and chop you up into little pieces to be stored in his Smeg fridge before appearing in an Instagram collage which eventually tips off Scotland Yard? All are legitimate possibilities.
The guy who is much younger but honestly no he’s actually really fit
“How old is he?” “He’s 19.” “19?!” “No but wait look at – just look at how fit he is”.
You will never convince your friends he’s anything more than a beautiful baby that you’re perving on. What would you even talk about when you go on a date together? He’d take you to his SU bar. He’d tell you how hard he’s working for a first. Fuck it, you don’t need to talk to him about anything. Just spend the whole time looking at him. God he is so beautiful. Age is just a number after all. And prison is just a room.
The guy who is much older but you ran out of all your own age group and you’re like fuck it treat me
Look, I get it. You’ve scrolled through what feels like eight million immature baby-men and parred off every fuckboy in a 50 mile radius. Why not just try it? Bet he knows some cracking restaurants. Have you ever read Lolita?
The guy who is just really very very standard
It was all going really well with him. He had a nice smile and relatively good chat, which meant you could sort of excuse his questionable haircut and the just-a-bit-village haircut. Then you asked that fateful question, and everything fell into place: Ryan lives in Loughton, and you matched him either because you don’t know how to work your radius, or because he was out on a big one in “Lahn-dan” with the boys at the weekend. He’s always wearing a check shirt, sometimes over a t-shirt, and absolutely always drinking a weak pint of Carling (hence the flimsy plastic pint cup in every single picture).
You and Ryan will never meet; suddenly you start reading all of his messages in Mark Wright’s voice. Everything is ruined.
Your ex-boyfriend’s best mate
OH MY GOD I’VE MADE A TERRIBLE MISTAKE I AM SO UNCOMFORTABLE AND NOW I CAN’T UNMATCH HIM.
Illustrations by Bobby Palmer.