If horoscopes were people, this is what they’d look like
Leo is obnoxious and Gemini is an absolute snake
Ah, finally. Mercury has left retrograde and we are all free. It’s a great start to the year and will make a difference to everyone’s lives. If you don’t believe that, and you don’t believe in Astrology in general, then you are an idiot.
Astrology is a beautiful, mystical art which allows us to truly see the people we really are. The things we like and dislike, what we wear, how we act, where we end up, it’s all dictated by the stars (duh). It’s not your personality, it belongs to the constellations, you’re just borrowing it.
Aries (March 22nd – April 19th)
Like the ram they take their name from, Aries is stubborn and just a little bit thick. They’re not stupid, just a tad overexcitable – and that’s why they’ll always be the first one to be carried home from a party or get arrested for taking their top off and trying to dance on the bar.
Headstrong and crass, an Aries is the one you want on your side when you have an argument with someone. But they’re fiercely independent – if the party isn’t big enough for them, they’ll just head somewhere else, alone.
Taurus (April 20th – May 20th)
Much more at home on the sofa than out on the tiles, Tauruses are self-deprecating and somewhat unsure of themselves. Some call it being needy, others call it being sweet: either way, if they like you you won’t be able to shake them off to save your life.
Probably a big fan of almond milk, ashtanga yoga and matcha tea, Tauruses love working with their hands and hate your Canada Goose coat – they’ve actually made their own embroidered denim jacket, yeah? You’ll never find a more reliable friend, but just don’t take a Taurus for granted or they’ll see red.
Gemini (May 21st – June 20th)
It’s not that Gemini is a total snake, but there’s something two-faced about the sign of the twins. It might just be that they’re hard to work out, or it might be that they’re a complete bitch – whatever it is, Geminis are never what they seem.
Thus, if Gemini compliments your jacket/work/boyfriend/singing voice/jeans/life, expect her to be bitching about it simultaneously in a secret group chat of which you’re the only non-member. If there’s one person that’s going to be caught out sending a screenshot to the wrong group, you’ve guessed it, they’re a Gemini.
They could change if they wanted to, though. They just don’t.
Cancer (June 21st – July 22nd)
If you’re a Cancer, you’ve definitely been described as the “mum of the group” before. Whether you’re fretting over the washing up in the kitchen or holding your friends’ hair back while they throw up, you’re always dependable – if not a little bit condescending.
Cancers are also extremely emotional, so you’ll most likely find them crumpled in a tearful ball on the sofa watching old episodes of Grey’s Anatomy and sobbing that it should have been them.
That said, they’re much more at home fixing broken things: so if your best friend is a Cancer, it’s probably because you’re even more of an emotional wreck than them.
Leo (July 23rd – August 22nd)
If you don’t know which of your friends is a Leo, just think of the loudest, vainest, most obnoxious person in the room. Deeply uncomfortable unless they’re the centre of attention, Leos devote all their energy to popularity – and if someone doesn’t like them, they’ll take it as a personal insult.
Most often found staring into a mirror or experimenting with flower crown Snapchat filters to send to their hundreds of adoring followers, the Leo is a good friend when it counts – and despite being self-obsessed, they’ll always be there for you if you need it.
They’ll only try and date tens (after all, they don’t think anyone’s out of their league). Sure, they can be romantic, but even then it’s in a cheesy way – they’d probably ask someone out using a brass band a la Heath Ledger in 10 Things, but only so they could publish the video on YouTube with a caption like “COUPLE GOALS: IS THIS THE MOST ROMANTIC BAE OF ALL TIME?”
Virgo (August 23rd – September 22nd)
Shy, self-deprecating and often quite introspective, Virgos are more at home in a good book than having to interact with other pesky human beings. If your mate texts you “sorry I’m not going to make it tonight, don’t feel well!” it’s likely that they’re a Virgo (or just a massive flake).
It’s not that they’re particularly boring, it’s just that they have their own secret lil life that you’re not a part of. They have emotions, they just don’t want you to see them, peasant. Maybe one day they’ll take their Instagram off private and you’ll see what they’re really like (basically, it’ll be deep, neon lights pictures, posts about loving James Blake and “goals” screenshots of Michelle Pfeiffer in Catwoman).
Libra (September 23rd – October 22nd)
The symbol of Libra is the scales, and that’s unsurprising – they’re the most balanced, dependable sign, and you can always rely on them to settle a fight.
Who books the group holidays? Libra. Who orders the taxis before a big night out? Libra. Who secretly resents the rest of the group for being lazy and ungrateful and probably owing them hundreds in unpaid debts? Guess.
When there’s an argument in the group (probably started by Gemini or Scorpio) it’s diplomatic, tactful Libra who settles things. What would you do without her?
Scorpio (October 23rd – November 21st)
The queen of side-eye, there’s no-one worse to be on the wrong side of than venomous Scorpio: if there’s one thing they like more than judging people, it’s getting cold hard revenge. Might sound like a bad trait, but it won’t seem like it when your best friend’s a Scorpio and someone’s just dumped you.
Scorpios like to think of themselves as easy-breezy and aloof, but get into a conversation with them when they’ve had a few and you’ll realise they’re actually as full-on and wild-eyed as they come.
Sagittarius (November 22nd – December 21st)
Imagine the concept of wanderlust as a human being and you’ve got Sagittarius. With their head firmly in the clouds, they’ll spend most of their time twiddling their hair and talking about how many festivals they’re going to this summer, if they aren’t heading off to the Far East to find themselves.
If you go along with their half-baked plans you’ll actually have a lot of fun, but be warned: they’re not great at forward planning, so don’t be surprised if you end up stranded in a Bolivian desert or locked up in a Mexican jail. That’s the one thing about hanging out with a Sagittarius – you’ll always get a good story out of it.
Capricorn (December 22nd – January 19th)
The archetypal woo girl, Capricorn doesn’t have a care in the world. Endlessly joyful to the point of nausea, expect Capricorn to be the driving force between every great night out you’ve ever had. She knows what she wants and she knows how to get it, and that means no time for fuckboys, flakes or negativity.
Disciplined and ambitious, Capricorn is the one to get you back on your feet (playing Destiny’s Child on repeat in the background) after a break-up, and to plan your comeback gals’ holiday too.
Aquarius (January 20th – February 18th)
Aquariuses dgaf, whether they’re rolling in from the sesh at 8AM or having to factory reset their phone because they can’t navigate all the anonymous fuckboy numbers they’ve collected on nights out.
They’re boundlessly energetic, even when they’ve slammed 18 double vodka Red Bulls the night before and only had three hours sleep, which means non-Aquariuses spend a lot of their time just trying to keep up with them. Still, you don’t have this much fun with anyone else.
Pisces (February 19th – March 20th)
Pisces is too sensitive for most social situations, so you can most likely find them in a cold, quiet place whispering that there’s too much beauty in this world.
You wouldn’t necessarily call them feeble, but there’s something about Pisces which makes you feel like they’d snap like a twig in anything more than a light breeze. Sure, they’re not afraid to cry, but do they need to do it whenever First Dates is on the TV or someone brings their dog into the pub?
But look, there are a lot of angry, aggy people in the world, and sometimes we all need a nice, soothing, calm Pisces to give you a little break. Namaste.
Illustrations by Bobby Palmer