These are the weirdest vibrators on the internet that will make your clit go into hiding
Hahahaha why is there a scorpion one?
Now, let’s get this straight: I’m not the type of girl to kink shame. Generally, I don’t care what someone wants to stick up their vagina – unless it’s a disgusting glitter douche. And like, I won’t hate you for sticking these unholy vibrators near the blessed blossom that connects you to your maternal ancestors. But I might have laughed while writing this listicle. Here’s the weirdest vibrators you can totally buy without any judgment at all, nope, none:
Cat Paw Vibrator
Cats are just so cute that you might want to buy this vibrator to feel like a cutie cat too! But let’s be honest, the only thing more gag worthy than the idea of a plushy vibe is the ‘pussy’ jokes your partner is sure to be making. As an added bonus, it looks like those stupid furry bag charms all the Kardashians are carrying around these days. Score!
Little Chef Vibrator
Haven’t you always wanted a man that can cook? This vibrator will take your mind off the patriarchy that insists household chores are for women for at least 10 minutes while you get that O. Best part? It’s less than $30 – or a well-plated meal at your fave restaurant!
Death by Orgasm Scorpion Vibrator
If you aren’t absolutely fucking terrified of anything that skitters, The Scorpion is for you. Unfortunately, the scorpion is currently sold out, which shows people in our society have seriously fucked up sexual preferences. I’m going to go cry, but you can put yourself on the waitlist for this scary son-of-a-bitch like right now.
I Rub My Duckie Rubber Duck Vibrator
Just when we thought nothing could be more sensual than bath bombs, this vibrator is perfect for pleasure during a relaxing bath. Sure, it sucks the innocence right out of your favorite childhood bath toy, but you can let him sit on the edge of the tub while not in use for a cute bathroom decoration. Just don’t let anyone touch him, that’s straight-up grody.
Pleasure Periscope Vibrator
Take your doctor and patient roleplaying to a new level with the Pleasure Periscope. It let’s your partner literally light up and look into your cervix while the creepy ass microscope vibrates inside you. Not sure how good the view is, but for $70 this vibrator provides you flashbacks to High School biology where you learned all sexual mates are trash and will definitely treat your partner to an anatomy lesson or two.
Perfect for every Midwestern girl who’s already tried out the veggies on her parents’ farm, this vibrator is exactly what it sounds like: a vibrating ear of corn. Turns out this Corn vibrator is pretty popular amongst the farmers’ daughters, so you’ll have to get on the waitlist to snatch one.
If none of these options suit you, you can just go back to using your vibrator that looks like the toothbrush at the dentist’s office – sorry!
High-tech vibrators for when you want to feel like you’re fucking a robot
But like a really sexy sentient robot who may one day kill you
by Jenn Ficarra
"To boldly go where no man has gone before" is the mission of the SS Enterprise and also my motto when it comes to personal pleasure. There are things a man just can't do that a vibrator can. And nowadays, with the technology we have, there are things high-tech vibrators do that regular vibrators and…
Fuck Tinder, I tried old school dating techniques and I’m never going back
Yes, I even put an ad in my local paper
Dating apps are wonderful things to entertain you on the toilet but I can’t be alone in thinking they low-key mean that romance is, y’know, dead? Surely there had to have been a time before absentmindedly rejecting dudes based on things that would never be deal-breakers in real life (wearing hats, holding up a fish)?…
When did using condoms become a ‘maybe’ thing?
Are we that lazy?
by Jenn Ficarra
Have you ever been in the midst of hooking up with a guy and use a condom without thinking because, duh, that’s what you should do? But then morning rolls around, his boner is pressed against you and common sense goes out the window. All of a sudden you’re raw-dogging it at 7 a.m. with…