IRL • Jul 17 2017

So I’ve been wearing a Diva Cup for 8 months and no one has congratulated me yet…?

Here’s everything you need to know

I LOVE my Diva Cup. I have to admit, at first I was totally like ew, a plastic cup in my pussy? Uh, no thank you. But after the fifth or sixth time using it, I started to think it might be just as effective as a tampon.

I have become a total Diva! No, seriously, I turning into a human Diva Cup. Kidding! I am just super passionate about these little plastic guys. I know some of you are still using those ancient feminine products, and I’m here to tell you: You’re stupid as shit. Read my pros and cons list about the cup, and you’ll make the right choice too.

Pro: Thanks to its super safe and supportive chamber, I can save and store my period blood to use for my artwork

I have a degree in fine arts from Colombia College Chicago, so I think I know.

Pro: It’s better for the environment than tampons

I have a heavy flow so it’s really very giving and selfless of me to use the cup, but I power through because I feel this moral obligation to save the planet. I just feel like this was what I was brought on Earth to do — and then to slowly make all my friends and coworkers resent me because I won’t stop talking about it.

Con: I spilled blood everywhere the first time I used it

I was at my current ex-boyfriend’s house and I felt like I was overflowing, so I tried to yank it out. I accidentally got blood all over his bathroom. He was so supportive when he watched me clean it up and barely even yelled at me for it!

Con: I accidentally drank my period blood once

After I removed my diva cup I left it sitting out because I thought I heard someone in my apartment, but it was just my neighbors having their nightly extremely loud sex. Coincidentally, I was making a cranberry vodka for myself when I felt my cup leak. Ok. I was drunk and there is no further explanation for why I did this. I drank my blood.

Pro: I discovered I like the taste of human blood

I’m not addicted, though. I am in control! It’s similar to how I only smoke when I drink.

Now that you know my story, please praise me accordingly. If you feel like your words aren’t enough, you can hit me on Venmo.

@merrillinternet

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