We asked girls to tell us how they lost their virginity, and the stories are collectively terrible
So unromantic, but so funny
by Katie Way
All vanilla virginity-loss stories are alike; each weird virginity-loss story is weird in its own way.
Sure, virginity is a construct, but having sex for the first time is a memorable experience if only because of how awkward it tends to be. Some of babe's readers, and even a few staff members, shared their hilarious deflowering stories with us and now we're passing them on to you.
Warning: if you don't like cringing and vicariously reliving a sweatier, clumsier time in your life, proceed with caution.
I never lost my virginity because I never lose
— Andraís (@Andres_Freeman) November 20, 2017
Dinner and a show!
I lost my virginity in my boyfriend at the time’s best friend’s bed. I didn’t know this 'til later, but a friend of mine went outside and watched through the window. She commented on everything that happened later on. I was mortified because she told everyone he had a tiny dick.
A dangerous game
I was dating my on/off again boyfriend and we went back to his house to watch movies with his family. He and I ended up going upstairs to hang out and we ended up having a quickie (my first time having sex ever) on his pool table.
Then we found out we were attending a youth church service.
With two of his ex-girlfriends. One of which he was cheating on me with. AGAIN.
– Ashley, 21
in 2018…we holding our homies hands for moral support while they lose their virginity
— cherry sprite (@yungstraw) November 15, 2017
It's lonely at the top
My GBF, Zade, and I had an entire elaborate scheme to help me lose my virginity to my boyfriend when I was 17. Like we made up a fake story that I was "coming back from a party" so I had an excuse to be ridiculously overdressed and everything, it was insane.
Unbeknownst to me, Zade put Horny Goat Weed powder he bought from the gas station in my drink but tbh it didn't work. So my boyfriend is over, we turn on The Dark Knight which had just come out on DVD and start dooooing it! I didn't really feel anything so I guess I thought my hymen was already broken so I decided to get on top. Well, it wasn't broken, and I SCREAMED like I'd been shot when I sat down on that dick. Literally felt like I'd fucked a sword.
Anyway, then the gravity of sexing for the first time fell down on me and I started crying while he awkwardly tried to comfort me. Like I was howling about how I could never face my parents again. Surprisingly, we broke up a month later.
– Bethany, 24
If it takes you longer to say the Lord's Prayer than the sex lasted, you didn't really lose your virginity
— ⚰️?rebel scum?✨ (@iceice_bay_be) November 10, 2017
There Will Be Blood (2007)
The first time I had sex the guy’s dick was so small that he didn’t “pop my cherry.” It wasn’t until the next time I had sex that I actually bled, and me and the guy were both SUPER confused. At first he thought I was dying because of the blood…
– Elena, 20
The one that didn't get away
I was at a frat house (Theta Chi), and it was sylly week. Everyone else was still in the house and we just snuck off into his room. I don't remember any specific music playing, except I know there was a shit DJ in the room over and there was someone else passed out on the mattress next to us. What I DO remember was him making huge deal out of putting on a condom and telling me all about how we don't want "any little babies running around this frat house." I ended up leaving my bloody underwear behind the toilet in their communal bathroom and walking home without any on. Anyway, we're still friends and we fucked again last year. Full circle!
– Stephanie, 23
not judgin or nothin but if u were born a virgin, u really the worst type of nerd & i don’t want nothin to do wit ya weird ass
— duunk (@duunk) November 20, 2017
The team effort
My friend lost her virginity at 15 in the woods when out on a camping trip with friends under a tarp, with an ugly guy. Their friends, male and female, were standing around the edge of the tarp the whole time chanting "do it, do it, do it, do it…"
Sorry, I'm not a gymnast!
My boyfriend's parents were out of town for the weekend, so we planned to lose our virginity like a week or so in advance. I was pretty excited, but it was super anti-climactic. He put on some weird indie rock playlist, and like halfway through when I asked him if he could hurry up (which, I'll admit, was rude) he got mad and said, "well, maybe I could if you'd move a little!" We only had sex a few more times after that, and we eventually broke up, because duh.
– Maddie, 22
I almost lost my virginity in a church, but then we got caught by the preacher, who also happened to be his grandfather. So instead I lost it in my childhood treehouse!
– Cassandra, 20
I haven't had sex in so long I'm practically a virgin again
— space ghost✨ (@allieesaur) November 20, 2017
Is it too late now to say sorry?
I was visiting my friend at GWU over spring break my sophomore year of college and made out with this dude at a ZBT party. While stuffing my face with mozz sticks at my friend's place afterwards, the ZBT kid hit me up and asked what I was doing. "Eating mozz sticks" I said. "Come over," he said.
I walked into his FILTHY apartment and stepped over his roommate's dirty laundry to get to ZBT kid's room, which was as disgusting and covered with trash as the rest of the house. I didn't really want to have sex because I was hooking up with someone at school, but ZBT kid convinced me. I asked him where I could throw out my gum. He said anywhere, so I literally spit it out on the floor. We listened to "Drunk in Love" while he deflowered me, and then we smoked oil using the fire from his stove because he didn't have a lighter.
Here comes the real kicker: Two years later, he messaged me on Facebook to apologize for taking my virginity. He was sent to rehab for a coke addiction and was going through the 12-step program and was at the stage where he repented for his sins. He said I should've lost my virginity to someone I was in love with. "Nah dude, losing my virginity was the best thing that ever happened to me," I said. Fin.
– Arielle, 22