The holiday gift guide for your man who’s not really your man but he’s your man
‘A curated collection of nudes’
So, you’ve found yourself in a situationship – AGAIN. Welcome to the club my friend, because relationships are dead and we'd all prefer to torture ourselves with half-baked emotions than commit to anything.
Nonetheless, it’s another year with a man who's by no means your man, but you'll be damned if anyone else tries to claim him. And with the holidays rolling up on us like a rent check we forgot, so does the daunting task of choosing a perfect gift for him that says, “I fuck with you and would totally be your girlfriend – but no pressure.”
Here are some gifts for your bae-not-bae that'll hopefully drop a serious hint on that rock-solid cranium of his.
Casual and seemingly innocuous, a robe is something his grandmother would probably give him along with a 6-pack of fleece socks.
But when you back out of Radio Disney territory and get into Grown Man status by means of cashmere blends, uber cool brands and silk if ya nasty, this gift becomes something super sexy to be thrown on after making it onto Santa’s naughty list.
Literally anything from Supreme
If we can agree on one thing about the male psyche, it’s that it's pretty un-complex. Supreme understands. They know they can slap their logo on any piece of trash and your man and all his friends will skip work to stand in line for that shit.
While it can be pricey, Supreme has the situationship ladies in mind, with random, reasonably priced items ranging from drawstring bags to a 500-piece jigsaw puzzle. Yes, a freakin’ jigsaw puzzle.
Curveball! I know. But it's so strange that it’s actually really, really good. For starters, he definitely doesn’t have one of these. If he does, I’m sorry but you're the side chick.
It’s also so different from anything he’ll receive that it'll keep him thinking about you well after he’s ripped the paper off his last gift. And if it accomplishes nothing else, at least the calming oils will help him get his mind right because he’s clearly trippin’ if he’s not cuffing.
We don’t need an excuse to buy a backhanded gift that’s actually for ourselves, but who are we to deny a blessing when it's been bestowed?!
Now, you’re probably tempted to waltz your ass over to Victoria’s Secret and buy some overpriced polyester, but PLEASE DON’T. Love yourself and invest in something good. And since this is a gift you get to keep, if this situationship crashes and burns post-holiday you still have a sexy number for the next one.
This isn’t a jersey from his favorite team or favorite player. Oh no, girl, that’s not your man! This is your team’s jersey with a number corresponding to his ranking in your list of suitors.
Cute and kitschy on the outside, but also a reminder that he’s not the only one on this roster. He better step up his game for the rest of the season.
He needs this. Don’t believe me? Amazon reviewer, “Old Scratch” said, “Excellent product, very exfoliating. The only issue I have is it is a rather snug fit (especially after several consecutive strokes). It eventually got stuck. I had to sit in the bathtub for 36 hours straight until it dissolved. Overall, very satisfying. Thanks Uncle Richard!” 10/10 Old Scratch would recommend.
He probably hasn’t had a home-cooked meal in forever, and TBH that’s not gonna start today. They say the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach so you should definitely hit up the best bakery in your neighborhood and pass those babies off as your own. Sooooo domestic.
Because you’re tired of watching him sweat it out after slathering Cocoa Butter on his entire face. Do better.
A dirt-cheap water cooler is the perfect place for him to send all the thirsty girls who must be in a dehydrated-induced stupor since they can’t seem to hop TF off. *Kanye shrug*
A candle that smells good AF
If I have to smell another man’s room that reeks of fucking Doritos and crusty old jizz-blankets, I swear I’m going to drop dead right then and there. A woodsy candle will clear that mess right up and also set the mood for something serious when it’s time to get down to business.
Beyoncé told us to upgrade our lesser halves, so do just that with a mom gift he’ll pretend to like at first before realizing it leveled up his room decor from college frat boy to wifed up.
This is actually just a really good gift that appears on this list because I’m hoping this article comes across the timeline of someone who loves me and wants to buy me this gift. But also, your fake-artsy dude will fuck with it, too.
Since a MF loves to play games, why not give him exactly what he’s good at. May I suggest “Clue?” as in get one.
His favorite alcohol
Just like a last minute buy for your office secret santa, you can never go wrong with a semi-decent bottle of drank. Reach for something with high alcohol content and let those uninhibited drunk texts roll on in.
A curated collection of nudes
He’s been begging and you’ve been holding out (mostly) and now’s the perfect time to drop some fire nudes on him with grace and style. Get in front of that mirror for the perfect butt shot (possibly in your purchase from #4??) and bind ‘em all up à la Kim Kardashian’s coffee table book.
Just make sure your face, name and any identifying tattoos aren’t present in case shit goes left. Happy holidaying!
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