Katy Perry wants to be Carly Rae Jepsen so bad, and I want her to know that it’s just not gonna happen

When I saw that viral video of Katy Perry and that kid who was trying out for American Idol, I had a couple of questions: Did Simon Cowell die? Does anyone seriously still believe that winning American Idol is a viable route for achieving success? And who the fuck does Katy Perry think she is?

Then it hit me: This bitch really thinks she's Carly Rae Jepsen.

I know it might be a little bit difficult to trust me on anything Carly Rae-lated based on my past work, but I swear I "get" it now — even if I'm not a super-fan, I can no longer deny the exuberant energy of Cut to the Feeling. I surrender! She's Carly Slae Livinglegendsen!

So follow me down, and prepare to get your mind blown, because it is obvious to me that Carly Rae is the latest part of the culture that Katy Perry is attempting to imitate, and we must stop her before it's too late.

First things first, rest assured that I did my research — I know that Katy and Carly are currently on the Witness Tour together. But it's blatantly obvious to me that Katy only signed Carly on as an opening act so she could observe her more closely.

Now Katy knows where Carly is at all times, and if (or rather, when) Carly gets her next bolt of inspiration, Katy wants to be there to imitate it as fast as possible. What a transparent ploy.

And of course, we've gotta talk about that haircut. Carly is a hair chameleon, so I wasn't blown away when she added a blonde pixie cut to her repertoire last January.

But then, lo and behold, look who got a very similar, very blonde haircut two months later in March? Why, none other than Ms. Perry, of course.

Carly has since moved on — she's currently sporting a lengthier dirty blonde look — but Katy hasn't. If anything, she's leaned into it even more.

Then there are also the sonic similarities to deal with. I know you didn't listen to Katy's latest album, Witness, because literally nobody did. But according to music writers who got paid to listen to it, one of Witness's definitely characteristics is the way that it's been influenced by "’90s house music, mainstream EDM, electro-tinged hip-hop, and ’80s new wave."

You know who else released a pop album influenced by diverse electronic sounds, including synth-pop (what's more 80s than synth?) and house music? Carly Rae Jepsen, back when she dropped critically acclaimed Emotion in 2015.

And that brings us back to the infamous "wig" clip, in which Katy Perry claims that stan language belongs to her.

It's obvious that Katy wants to dethrone Carly as the LGBTQueen — but c'mon, that just isn't going to happen.

Because Katy Perry has tried on and discarded so many aesthetics and communities, at this point we all know that she's fake as fuck. She's been a Christian pop artist, a faux-lesbian, a Nicki Minaj biter, a T-Swift enemy, a woke, Hillary-loving queen and now she wants to be on Carly's level with the gay community? I don't think so.

Because the thing about Carly Rae Jepsen's status as a LGBTQ Legend is that she kinda isn't even trying. She just performs at the occasional charity benefit and, in the words of my editor, "makes iconic bops that go off." And it works — because that's who she actually is.

Katy Perry, on the other hand, is your high school friend who "came out" as bi the week after you did, but is now engaged to a guy who's in the Air Force and has a Bible verse in her Instagram bio. Wig!

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● Halsey wants to be Lana del Rey so bad and we have proof

● I will NEVER understand why people like Selena Gomez

@k80way