Who invented these sex positions too awkward for anyone bigger than a size five? I just wanna talk….

Life as a fat girl has its challenges, but especially during sex. While straight-size girls have less meat on them which gets more meat in them, thickies have to maneuver around their size and their partners to keep the rendezvous flowing. However, these too common, but awkward sex positions are not always that pleasurable.

I've tried all of these positions and failed most. While I'm mostly here to hate on them, I'm also all ears if you've got any recommendations on how to make them easier. I've been trying to master the Crank since I first hit puberty. BT dubs, these dope illos are from the talented Sophie Brampton

69-ing

You see how she's pulling her legs to stay in place? Yeah, not fun! Your belly will definitely be scrunched in less-than-comfortable rolls while someone's in deep with their mouth. The more they push their head into your assorted crevices, the more your belly will flex and you'll have a hard time breathing on top of trying to get them off. All the while, balls are arranged on your forehead like some kind of horrifically sticky crown. Have fun with that one, girl.

Reverse Cowgirl

I attempted this position with my scrawny ex and I almost broke his dick. He told me to get off of him and just return to regular frontal dick-riding. This position involves a lot of leg strength and you're the one who's doing the most work. If you have a fat juicy ass like me, be careful grinding it it back and forth so you don't hurt his penis too much…lesson learned.

Scissoring

I have yet to dabble in the art of pleasing female genitalia (aside from my own, obvs), but from the looks of it, you're both suffering. If you're the one on top, you're getting that upper leg workout you weren't expecting with this slip-n-slide angle. Your girl on the bottom, however, is probably more likely to enjoy this position the most — but it definitely can blow out her back if she's not careful contorting.

Raised Doggy

Raised doggy is all about the arms and upper body strength. I don't know how many plus-size girls can get themselves in a handstand position (I'm sure as hell not one of them), but this angle requires you to lean your thighs in the hands of the guy. This position is hella awks because you're forced to stare at his sacccccc the entire time. I wouldn't expect an orgasm from that sight unless that's like, your thing.

The Toilet Seat

Now, I almost broke the edge of my bed trying to master this position. I still have yet to replace the piece that's damaged. The toilet seat is a real bitch because you have to rely on lifting and shifting your own weight in order to get any kind of pleasure out of it.

It's super intimate when it's with the right person, but if the edge of your bed isn't hefty, you'll have a hard time getting what you came for and keeping that $300 furniture intact.

The Crank

Firstly, find a guy who can benchpress more than you. Otherwise this is just a disaster. The thing about this position is that you have to trust him which makes this position most terrifying.

I challenged my ex to lift my 270 pound ass and he could only hold me up for about three minutes against the wall. I was impressed because no other dude was up for it (weaklings), but the position combined with my lotion that lathered up my ashy ass, it turned into a slip and slide and my ass kept dropping to the floor. If he can't hold up your ass, then you should just send him home.

The Pinwheel

The Pinwheel means looking at your dick appointment straight on and I prefer banging in the dark so that I don't misread his cum expressions as something more. That's not what we're here for.

This position should only be attempted if you think you're in a serious relationship with the other person. Hopefully, your bae has a strong thigh game as well because you're practically jumping up and down in his lap. Don't try this if he's boney. You might just cut yourself in the process.

Wheelbarrow Standing

Wheelbarrow Standing is similar to Raised Doggy, but this time you're faced with wrapping those thick thighs around his waist to hold on. It's hard enough standing with your arms but in this illustration, you're the one really putting in all the hard work while he just stands there, begging you in his husky voice to throw that ass back. Fuckouttaheyah.

The Spider

Maybe my gym teacher was a pedo because I learned this move way back in 5th grade gym class with a boy when I was still a size 10. The Spider requires you to rest your legs on top of his making you to lift your ass towards the dongle in order to get any form of feeling down there.

I think this position is worth trying, but you're guaranteed to sink into the mattresses if you attempt it on the bed. Put down two yoga mats and you're set to finish—maybe.

The Butt Churner

This, for me, takes the cake as the most awkward of them all because who the fuck is really getting pleasure out of a guy plunging your pussy (or otherwise) while you're competing with your belly to lay up straight. I don't know about ya'll, but this sex position is more likely to only be pleasing to him, seeing as you're taking the risk of cracking your spine open.

If you're brave enough, try one or try them all. Maybe one of these will get you the climax you been deserved.

Related stories recommended by this writer:

● The absolute sexiest lingerie for plus-sized babes to bare it all in bed

● FACT: If you’re skinny, you’re treated better. What thin privilege is, and why we need to talk about it

@aribines