There’s one huge problem with ‘Friends’ no one’s ever talked about…until now

There are lots of incredibly unrealistic things about the TV show Friends: the characters' huge apartments in lower Manhattan, their inhuman ability to all fuck each other and still stay buds, keeping a pet monkey and never contracting any kind of disease — yeah, it's not real life! And that's fine. I'm willing to suspend my disbelief on lots of things for the sake of hours-long Sunday binge-watching.

But there's one major, major problem with Friends, something that's rendered me completely unable to enjoy the show. I couldn't do it as a kid, and I sure as hell can't do it now. This problem is insurmountable, and frankly sickening. I can barely type it, I'm shaking so hard:

None of the guys on Friends were hot.

Like literally no one. Let's break down the main cast: Jennifer Aniston and Courtney Cox, two beyond gorgeous women with nipples so prominent they should have been credited at the end of each episode. There's Lisa Kudrow, who's presented as the quirky alterna-girl but is still super pretty by any conventional metric.

And then there's…David Schwimmer? Who plays opposite Jennifer Aniston? Who's supposed to be the show's romantic lead? Serious question: How can you carry one of the most popular TV shows of all time if you've got a fraction of a chin? And it's not that I think he's ugly — he's just not hot. Definitely not play-with-90s-Jennifer-Aniston's-heart hot, anyway.

We've also got Joey, your unemployed local pervert. Again, he's OK. But again, not hot. He's the show's loveably dumb Lothario, and I know for a fact he'd get maced if he tried to come on to anyone I've ever met IRL. The point of his character is that he's supposed to be an absolute fucking idiot (albeit with a heart of gold, sure) who still gets laid because he's hot. This is gas-lighting like we've never seen before and will likely never see again. The Trump Administration should take notes because this is how you gaslight a nation. I'd be impressed if I wasn't so disgusted!

By 2018 standards, the hottest guy on the show is Matthew Perry. Which is fine, I guess. But 1/3 is bleak, y'all, especially considering he looked a whole 20 years older than everyone else in the cast.

Because of this incredibly egregious crime, this show needs to be off the air. It's actively damaging to our nation, even in syndication. Picture it: an 11-year-old girl is flicking through the channels late at night and comes across a Friends rerun on TBS. Wow, she thinks, I hope someday I can be as pretty as Courtney Cox…wait, is that guy who looks like a shaved koala her husband?

And thus, that poor, poor preteen has just been gaslit into thinking Matthew Perry is the best a gorgeous woman can do. He only wore shades of brown! He was so mean! Is this the future we want for our children?

No. I refuse to be a victim of Friends any longer. Stand up for what's right, and watch a TV show with hotter fucking people.

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