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Billboard Charts indicate everyone’s getting dumped this week
We’ve all got that summertime sadness, apparently
by Amanda Ross
According to the Billboard Hot 200, which tracks the best-selling albums in the country in any given week, America is going through it. All I need is a Pharmaceutical Hot 200 to track a spike in Seroquel and Prozac and a Diabetic Hot 200 to show me a sharp increase in Cool Whip sales and we've got a full-blown epidemic on our hands.
Lana Del Rey's debut album Born To Die and Taylor Swift's Red have made a completely random reappearance on the chart, clocking in at number 196 and 200 respectively despite both being released in 2012. While it's true that both albums have the hits that stick like grits, something the other main pop girlies can only dream of, I think this is indicative of something more sinister.
As a Lana and Taylor stan, I can tell you in full faith that Born To Die and Red are the saddest albums in each artists' catalogue. And if we've all collectively decided that we need to buy both of them this week, I can say with complete confidence that everyone is having a hard time. I'd ask who hurt y'all, but if you're buying both albums I think the answer is everyone.
Lizzie "I'm Latina, Trust Me" Grant features depression-chic gems like Dark Paradise, Blue Jeans, and This Is What Makes Us Girls on Born To Die and they're so sad, they even upset me in college — and that was back when I had completely normal serotonin levels! If I listened now, I'd probably try to lay down on the subway tracks wearing a wedding dress or something.
And ohhh, Miss Taylor! What was she trying to do to us with Red? That bitch really had the audacity to give us All Too Well, which everyone knows is the saddest song on record in human history. No one is impervious to AND YOU CALL ME UP AGAIN JUST TO BREAK ME LIKE A PROMISE, SO CASUALLY CRUEL IN THE NAME OF BEING HONEST!!!!!!!!!!!! In fact, that should be the real test to see if someone's a vampire. Fuck making them look in the mirror — if they can listen to All Too Well and not immediately start crying over unresolved emotional abandonment, they are not of this realm.
Related stories recommended by this writer:
● Here's every unreleased Taylor Swift song you've never heard before
● The best Lana Del Rey memes to combat your almost-summertime sadness
● Pity the poor women on the other end of the ‘Sad Song Phone Call’