Is anyone else cursed with Resting Priest Face?


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Is anyone else cursed with Resting Priest Face?

Stop telling me this, I can and will testify against you

When I was 7, a church photographer told me I looked mad and said it wasn't a good look for a lady. Never mind the fact that I was in first grade and barely had the muscle control to not pee my pants in the cafeteria — this stuck with me, and I've always assumed I have the pissed-off visage of an overworked cab driver stuck in traffic. Resting Bitch Face before I knew what Resting Bitch Face was, really. But now, after years of consideration, I realize I have something else: Resting Priest Face.

I don't know what it is about my facial makeup that makes strangers want to tell me every intimate detail about their lame lives! And this really isn't some "haha I guess I just have a face you can talk to ;)" humblebrag because it is a curse. I become a stand-in confessional for everyone in line at the grocery store, every barista, every friend of a friend who tagged along on a night out. The number of strangers who start sentences with "I can't even believe I'm telling you this, but…" is staggering. On one hand, I'm a messy bitch who lives for drama so I love to hear gossip. But on the other, sometimes I want to tune out and relax but have to listen to my Uber driver talk about the song he wants played at his funeral followed by him marveling at how he's "never told anyone that before."

Maybe it's because I'm from Texas and greet everyone with "Hi, how are you?" and people stupidly think I want an answer other than "Good, thanks." I've resigned myself to a lifetime of giving tourists directions and recommendations which segue into them confessing to affairs. I could be overcompensating for being told I looked like a cunt at age 7, but this could also be a sign that I need to change career paths for something that involves active listening instead of talking at you guys through the computer. Is it too late to become a priest for real? My knowledge of their work is limited to a PDF of The Da Vinci code I read 12 years ago, but from that I hear they don't have to do the celibacy thing anymore.