I tried (and failed miserably) to sell my dirty underwear online
Piper Chapman made thousands from prison and I couldn’t even sell one pair
by Megan Ward
Last year, like every human being in the Netflix having part of the world, I marathoned Orange Is The New Black in the space of about three days and a thought came to me. Well, lots of thoughts came to me. Such as ‘damn if my sexuality wasn’t already confirmed, Ruby Rose just put the final nail in my bisexual coffin’ and ‘I’m a good person, I shouldn’t have to endure a Joe Caputo sex scene’ and ‘why isn’t this show just the Taystee and Poussey comedy hour’. However, the most important thought I had was, ‘say what you want about Piper Chapman, she’s on to something with this panties business’.
My friend and I both had this thought actually, and we began to look into the logistics of actually selling dirty underwear online. It seemed like relatively easy money, but something stopped us actually going through with it. For me, it felt a bit weird since I have a boyfriend and although he thought it was funny, and agreed that it would be exploiting perverts, I still felt a bit uncomfortable with someone else knowing my vag stench. Only one person in the world knows that smell and if that isn’t romantic I don’t know what is.
However, fast forward a year and I’m graduating university, with about 45 grand worth of debt, and I’m minus £1500 into my overdraft with no more handy student finance to come. It’s a good thing I have nice parents who let me move back home rent free or else I’d be one bad spending choice away from being on the street holding a sign saying ‘will write for food’. I’m finally desperate enough to do it for real.
Now, despite what it said on the CV I sent to countless grad jobs this year, I don’t actually know how to code at all, and so to sell underwear online I would have to go through one of the many sites which cater to girls wanting to earn a bit of cash this way. In an ideal world, I would set up my own site because like Piper uses the ‘prisoner panties’ as her Unique Selling Point, I reckon there’s tons of pervs who would get off sniffing student panties.
My original plan would have been to set up a site where students can create accounts to sell panties, and use the tag line ‘sniff the brightest minds of the future’. It would work, largely because misogynistic pervs hate smart women and so we could capitalise on their want to view us sexually. If someone does know how to code and wants to start this up with me, get in touch. Don’t just steal it and Zuckerberg me.
There are however many sites on which you can sell dirty underwear. I browse through a few to see what I’m getting myself into. They all reassure me that it’s all legal and my customers are not pervs, but regular blokes, which if I’m honest troubles me. I’d almost rather think my panties were going to some depraved pervert than contemplate the possibility men I know are buying used panties.
To detract from that creepy notion, I decided to first focus on the task of deciding which pants to sell. I’m weirdly attached to some of my underwear. I’m obviously not selling any of the nice pants, or the pants I got eaten out for the first time in, but then I doubt pervs want my big, comfy pants and I don’t really want to part with those either. I settle on a thong, mainly because thongs are evil and uncomfortable, so I’ll be glad to part ways with it but it still classifies as sexy underwear so hopefully I’ll make a sale.
The internet was full of tips as to how to make your first sale. Wear the pants for three days, one girl advised as that really gives a good strong smell. Now, I am no clean princess. I wore the same pair of pants for four days straight at Boomtown last year and I think that’s a smell that whilst entirely different, is as bad as the dodgiest vindaloo poo but then I’m not a panty pervert, so what do I know. Gives me an excuse to be lazy and not do laundry so that’s a result at any rate.
The other tips I’m not so keen on. ‘You can charge more for pants that have been pissed in, masturbated in or perioded in’. Yeah, some people are hella fucked up. If I wank in the pants that feels a bit like I’m engaging in a sexual act with this pants perv and to me this is all about exploiting the perv. There is no way I’m pissing my pants for an extra fiver, just no and while most of my pants are stained with period blood because my period likes to arrive when I least expect it, I’m uncomfortable sending my blood to a stranger. I’m traditional like that.
And also, because as one panty seller puts it we are in ‘the panty selling gold rush’ now buyers tend to want photos of you in the pants, and because now there are more sellers than buyers, you kind of have to get on board with that. Cheers for that OITNB. I just wanted to sell my dirty pants to get an extra 30 quid to go down the pub with, and now because of you the market is saturated and pervs can demand pictures.
Although I wanted to commit, I just couldn’t bring myself to post a photo of me in my underwear for strangers online, even if they were gonna pay me. I applaud you if you can, but undy pics is where I draw the line, that feel less like I’m exploiting the pervs and more like they’re exploiting me.
But you know, I’ve come this far, might as well see if I can find a buyer who will trust that I wore the pants without a picture, and that will also trust I’m a hot East European blonde called Petra since there is no way I’m giving my real name. So I go back to the sites and sign up.
Guess what? Every single panty selling site has a user fee of at least 20 pounds. Now panty selling is such a hot business you have to pay to sell your pants on a site. I don’t have 20 pounds, that’s why I’m trying to sell my dirty pants in the first place, this bitch is too broke. I checked in with some other girls who’d also been fooled by OITNB and it’s promises of panty money empires, and they said the same.
The market got saturated really quickly post-OITNB; now the only channels to sell underwear are these big corporate sites which charge you to use their services. There’s no exploiting perverts anymore, now they run the show, asking for pictures and handwritten notes and more besides. Unfortunately, I can’t simply sell underwear online to pervs for an easy 30 quid. The dream is dead.
So I am ending my quest still in debt and feeling nothing but anger towards the writers of OITNB for empowering me with a speech about vag stench and setting me up to fail. Oh, and I feel a slight itch too, since I wore a fucking thong for two days for no reason. Fuck you, Orange is the new Black, fuck you.