sex IRL •
The absolute worst one-night stand stories on Reddit
Get ready to cringe
One-night stands can pretty much only go one of two ways. You either had the best time of your life or it was the absolutley terrible. At least you normally get a pretty good story out of the deal. We scowered Reddit to find the most appalling, hilarious, and occasionally disgusting one-night stand stories of all time.
Gotta meet the parents?
[I] was introduced to the parents first, they were still up and awake for some reason at 4 a.m. The smooth criminal then asked his mother for a johnny [condom] in front of me. Awful.
The Lion King fail
He looks at me and says, "you should go." I left.
Escaped a potential kidnapping
It was actually an extension of a bad date. I figured if I was going to get nothing out of the few hours I felt wasted, I might as well get sex.
It turned terribly wrong when I was in his apartment and he essentially would not let me leave. It got to the point where I started getting really worried for my safety as I realized that the guy wasn't exactly mentally stable and had me hostage in a not so great part of town.
The puke pillow incident
I was extremely drunk at this point, and so was he. So we hooked up, and then immediately passed out. In the middle of the night he woke up me and said "I'm going to throw up, where should I throw up?" I was still drunk, and half asleep, so I pointed at a pillow on the floor and said "there".
So he threw up on my pillow, and then he asked me what he should do with it. I told him to throw it out the window and went back to sleep. Unfortunately the pillow fell on top of a smaller building behind the campus residences. So everyone on campus saw the "puke pillow" and word spread pretty quickly about what happened. So embarrassing.
Seizures, shit, & dollar bills
Fuck. OK, I knew the day would come for me to share this story. Here it goes.
So about two years ago I was newly single and out with a few friends at a bar. I ended up hitting it off with a friend of a friend who was just in town on vacation. Now, my last relationship had left me feeling really sexually frustrated but I wasn't interested in any commitment so this seemed like a perfect arrangement. I could release my pent up sexual energy on him and not have to worry about attachments because he would be gone before too long.
After a long night of flirting, we go back to his hotel and have another couple drinks in his hotel room. Everything is going pretty well and we have sex. Job done.
Now, I was a smoker at that time so I head on downstairs after to have a smoke and he passes out almost immediately.
At this point in the story, you should know that I have a very minor seizure disorder and that I can feel one coming on several minutes before it happens.
Anyhow, while I'm smoking, there is this strange guy who approaches me and tells me he has won $10,000 at a casino. I congratulate him but that isn't what he wants. He wants me to touch the money (he has a giant roll of bills). I politely decline but he keeps insisting. It's around this time that I can feel a seizure coming. Now my mind is torn in two directions. I'm desperately trying to estimate how long it would take me to get back to the room and if I can make it there before I collapse. I'm also still trying to deflect Mr. Wad-of-money who has followed me inside the lobby saying, "Go on. Just touch it. Don't you want to know what $10,000 feels like? Touch it."
I'm just laying there and silently panicking. The guy I had slept with is still fast asleep next to me. I want to hurry the sheets downstairs to housekeeping but I can't do that without waking him. After many minutes of stressing out about it and dreading what I knew would be the most embarrassing morning of my life, I came up with a plan.
There was still half a can of Coke next to me on the bedside table from our drinks last night. I "accidentally" knocked the Coke on to the bed and loudly exclaimed about it. This woke the guy up and got him to jump out of bed in a drowsy state. While he was coming to terms with his consciousness, I scooped all the sheets up in a bundle and rushed them downstairs to be cleaned. I gave them a $100 tip and apologized profusely.
I got away with it. The guy never found out. That was my worst ever one night stand.
tldr: Met a guy. Had sex. Had a seizure. Shit the bed. Got away with it.