What your choice of foreplay says about you in bed
A handjob hoe never stays
I cannot name a single thing that wouldn't be improved with even a bit of planning — my grades, that shit vacation I took last summer, my prospects for the future — so it's wild to think we treat sex any differently.
Sex is a mini-vacation of its own (or at least it's meant to be), so let's slow it down, bring out the maps and think about how to best prepare ourselves before raw-dogging in the back of your brother's 2004 Hyundai Accent for the 300th time, shall we?
Here's what your choice of foreplay says about you in bed, with illustrations by Daisy Bernard for babe.
Strip tease – Confident hoe
Of all of the types of foreplay out there, the strip tease is both the most difficult as well as the most ego-centric. Your Instagram is probably JAM-packed with photos of you slugging down peach bellinis on a Saturday, and for every post you receive an average of 4.5 unsolicited DMs.
You know how to remove skinny jeans without turning them inside out, which means you've probably been a hoe since a very young age, but you never got trapped in your Abercrombie jeans in the dressing room and had to call your mom crying.
You're the kind of person who goes to yoga just to get turned on, and would fuck a guy you saw on a run at 3pm on a Tuesday knowing full well the only place anyone should be at 3pm on a Tuesday is in an office.
Making out – Dateable hoe
You never really understood the whole foreplay thing, but you also probably think you've orgasmed. That's what it's supposed to feel like, right?
Sex with you is faaaar from extraordinary, and you're definitely not the kind of girl anyone is going to be thinking about 35 years down the road while they silently whack-off next to their wife for the 7th time in one week. No, no — you'll be that wife.
But at least you'll get to experience stability in your life.
Sexting – Plugged in hoe
You're a planner. Actually, you're THE planner. You always know exactly what you and all of your friends are wearing on a night out — you made them send you pics — and you'd rather have sex over Skype than in person because you already have somewhere to be after.
Your boyfriend is always getting pissed at you because you just can't stop TWEETING during SEX and after every session you're the first one to reach for your phone to see what the girls have been up to in the group Snap since you've been away. It's been a wild ten minutes.
Your relationship will ultimately end how it began — over the phone — but that's fine, because you never deleted Tinder anyway.
Footsie – Laziest hoe
You guys have been dating for 10 years and all of your friends actively hate it when you say you're coming out.
The two of you have morphed into one disgusting blob of a human, and unless someone knows you really well they can't even tell which one of you is ending what sentence anymore.
You still bang a few times a week because you know it's too early to give up, but this "banging" usually consists of him sliding into you while spooning you from behind on the couch, and it never even occurs to either of you to press pause on Lord of the Rings in the meantime.
Getting really drunk – Tinder hoe
You have a list in your phone chronicling every hookup you've ever had, but you're not actually sure how up-to-date it is. You're pretty sure there are at least three or four names missing, but you can't be fucked to put a finger on it.
The same way you'd never travel to the same place twice, you'd never consider fucking the same guy twice. Why taste it again? You already know what's up.
Ex-Tinder dates are constantly blowing up your phone, not even bothering to suggest dinner, but it doesn't bother you either because you wouldn't want dinner with them anyway. Delete, block, swipe on.
Handjob – Half-assed hoe
You half-ass foreplay the same way you've half-assed every relationship you've ever been in.
You'd rather lie on your side like a beached seal than sit up and engage, which means he's probably been thinking about leaving for a while now, but that's more than fine by you. Things were waaaaay less stressful when you didn't have to worry about texting his useless body back anyway.
Speaking of which, where is your phone? You haven't texted back any of your friends in weeks, have you? Brittany is probably pissed.
Grinding – Aggressive hoe
You not going to pretend you came out tonight for absolutely anything other than the D. Anyone's D at this point.
It's been a few months since you've really gotten some, and you swear that people you never, ever would've considered fucking in the past are starting to look good.
You're the type to remove all of your clothing before he's even gotten his socks off, but he appreciates it because he wasn't sure how to work that front-access bra anyway. By tomorrow afternoon he'll already have at least 3 semi-nude Boomerangs from you.
Blowjob – Committed hoe
You were the first one to say "I love you" and even though he hasn't said it back ~directly~ you know there's something there. There has to be.
You still text him to say "Goodnight!!!!!!<3" but you don't let it get to you when he doesn't message back. He probably just fell asleep dreaming about you or something . . .
If he wanted you to watch porn with him, you would. If he wanted you to watch him get off while you just hung out there, you would, and if he never wanted to touch you again you'd probably say "That's okay!" and then stick around to see if he changed his mind anyway.
He didn't buy you a Christmas gift this year, but you bought him one. Maybe two.
Finger sucking – Kinky hoe
Your first encounter with porn was on Tumblr and ever since you've been a fucked up little Lolita binch.
You never think about taking your bra off before fucking — duh, you bought it for someone to see — and you still have one of those weird mesh-canopy things hanging over your bed. Not because you forgot to take it down or anything, you've actually moved twice and brought it with you both times.
You're always the first one to suggest choking or hitting in bed but you're still not sure if you enjoy it that much. I guess this is just how it's going to be forever.
None – Go for it hoe
You are a busy, busy lady and you don't have time for any of the sentimental bullshit.
You started masturbating before he even got there so you'd be lubed up and ready to go, and the thought of him suggesting you "sit on his face" sends actual shivers down your spine. This is a business exchange, and if you don't finish from the penetration you're not going to snuggle up to him, suggesting more.
You'll probably just say you have to "rinse off" so your can buy yourself enough time to finish masturbating in the shower.