Join us in laughing at this collection of the most pathetic sexting attempts in human history
‘I wanna do you like Naruto’
by Ari Bines
We asked our most dedicated fans for their most horrendous texts designed to get them hot and bothered, but instead made them cringe, screenshot, and send to everyone in their group chat (including us).
Peep these sad sexts to find out just how difficult it is to get us off via iMessage:
This man was light years older
Clearly, homeboy was looking out for number one while simultaneously torturing himself, denying his own orgasm. I think it's crazy he didn't even think he'd stayed out the creepery lane. It's also worth noting that archived nudes were adequate instead of asking for one catering to his…needs. Know yourself, know your worth!
This dude's approach is straight out of a fantasy anime
Clearly a joke, but the fact that this would even spring into a dude's mind is mildly horrifying at best. Trying to go super saiyan on the pussy or what? :(
Meanwhile, this gentleman just knew she wanted to go all the way
Where's the tease in this? Where's the imagination? Telling someone you'll definitely fuck in X amount of time does not make the woman downstairs do flips, hurdles and/or throbs.
And this guy's response is the very essence of a creeper
This sext is the typical message locals send when your Instagram DM's flash that "This person wants to send you a message" button. In what world does any sane person want to see a dick that's more than likely not 7 inches? Like, really?
And if you're a lazy fuck like this fellow, just send them gay porn for your sext message
Why write a novel of your own sex fiction when you have the internet to do your (wait for it) dirty work (BOOM!) for you. This guy is was also obsessed with age-old pussy and that's horrifying on its own.
Oh yeah, and this guy didn't even know my last name
Firstly, green texts? Oh no no no, bro. It was bad enough opening this to find he'd call me his earth angel because let's be real, the chances of me getting anywhere near heaven's gates are pretty slim. This was our first ever text exchange and (shocker!) our last.