INVESTIGATION: Is ear sex real? I tried it for myself and this is what I found out

Alright, I'll say it—I love sex! If I wasn't single as fuck at the moment, and didn't have to live a day without it, it'd be a part of my daily routine. Why lie to ourselves when any and everyone who's experienced it is whispering "go deeper", "go harder" and "faster, baby" all throughout your dick appointment.

But when the regular degular schmegular doggy-style sex has become boring to your core whore, it's time to try something new. That's when I remembered a 2006 episode of Family Guy, where Meg learns the valuable lesson of abstaining from sex (could never be me). In order to cheat the system and still get it on, her new boyfriend recommends they try ear sex.

So I had to know… is ear sex real? Has anyone ever done it? Could I? Let's find out!

Tracing the origins of ear sex

Ear sex wasn't first mentioned in Family Guy – the earliest trace of it I can find is on Urban Dictionary in 2003. There it's described as: "Sticking your Penis in one's ear" or "Rubbing your ear lobe on one's penis," as in: "Kenfield likes to have Ear Sex." There's nothing I can see beyond that.

Let's be realistic

Big or small, whoever's size dick it is, it's probably too thick to fit into anyone's ear socket. I mean c'mon, it's almost virtually impossible to snug anything but a pair of Apple ear buds through them. How in the world could a fully fledged weenie fit in my ear or anyone else's for that matter? Even if you had the lady balls to give it a go, it's guaranteed you'd be in some serious pain.

But then I asked our Babe fans on Facebook if they'd ever tried it

They, too, were confused by my question or weren't sure if the idea of ear sex was a myth. I figured someone in our Facebook group of hoes was ballsy enough to make the dumb attempt and be successful in ear sex, but sadly, they were all just as lost as me.

It seems like ear sex is a real thing, just not in the way you think

According to the Chicago Reader, the ear sex term refers to several different types: auralism, aural and an ear fetish. Auralism is all about one's obsession with sound, whether that be vocal, your Spotify playlist or even sex noises. But who doesn't get the wet wet from the sweet sound of moaning?

On the flip side, the ear fetish itself has to do with the physical playing with the ear, including any tugging, licking, or rubbing of the ear. So, no one's shoving their dick through your ear drum. In fact, it's probably not wise to put anything that shoots out pee or semen near your face, but to each their own.

I even made a quick attempt at it

It could have gone better. The guy I tried having ear sex with was completely unaware of the fact that I was dumb enough to try putting their dick in my ear. It didn't last long because after looking for a way into my ear drums, I heard the peep of a snore lingering above my head and found this bitch sleeping on me.

If you're a dud like I was, don't make it obvious you're trying the latest in 'ear-rotic' behavior while you're giving him head. My only advice if you want to try it, make sure you're doing it beneath the covers. Once he catches wind of you trying to put his pride and joy in a hole way north of your vagina, he'll start getting curious.

So I finally sought out a sexpert to clear up everything

Babe spoke to Tracy Sher, a sex counselor and CEO of ThePelvicGuru.com and asked if there was any possibility that ear sex is real. She said: "Well, I suppose any touch at or near genitals or erotic talk into the ears or combining that can all be part of sexual acts. But if you mean possibility of full penetration of a penis—I would be confused about that."

Welp, that was a bust. All in all, ear sex is a legit sex act, but it's not something that requires you risking the loss of your hearing, so the other party can enjoy getting their rocks off. Honestly people, just take hold of your bed's headboard and rock your hips to and fro the old fashioned way so nobody gets hurt. You can thank me later.

Related stories recommended by this writer:

● This is what it’s really like having fat sex

● INVESTIGATION: Is Timothée Chalamet hot? Let’s examine the evidence together

@aribines