How does Ariana Grande make every boy she dates OBSESSED with her?

We've known for YEARS that Ariana Grande is the pop star of the century. That bitch can sing like Mariah, chart like Drake, and interview like fucking Katie Couric. She's endured a ton in the last year, and came out shining on basically every magazine cover this month. But what we maybe DIDN'T know was that Ariana has that good-good. Like… that really good good-good. Ari has always been sex-positive and refuses to define herself by her sexual relationships. So it makes sense that this girl knows how to toss it.

But how do I know she does? Have I had some *~crazi~* sexual encounter with the queen of pop? Have I perhaps had a Ménage à trois with me, Jessie and Ari, if they test me they sorry, ride his uh like a Harley, then pull off in his Ferrari? Nope. Guys she's dated are just crazy obsessed with her. This girl has some special strain of pussy. And I need her to send that recipe my way.

We should've realized Ari had it when Big Sean wrote his controversial 'Stay Down' about her in 2015

Don't remember that song? Don't feel bad, Big Sean hasn't been relevant in a second. If ever. Anyway, he rapped that Ariana had "billion dollar pussy." Then, she dumped him after her grandma asked her about the lyric. BRB, taking a shower. I just VOMITED on myself after writing that.

No matter how gross, the song proves Ari's KNOWN how to put it down. Have you ever had your pussy on the radio? Yup, that's what I thought. Broke bitch.

But really, it wasn't until her man drama this month that I realized I need her to write a self-help column, a la Cosmopolitan. But like, not nasty

If you aren't familiar with the latest evidence Ariana is the baddest in the game, here we go. After her and Mac Miller broke up, she slammed a fan who claimed Mac's entire album was written about her, then she broke his heart. But in the slam, she casually slipped in that his song Cinderella was, in fact, about her.

Guys, this song is basically the most explicit song I've ever heard. If it was a movie, it would not be shown in the United States and we have free speech or whatever.

You was taking off your pants

It look like Dorothy ain't in Kansas anymore

I do you like a chore

We started on the bed and then we moved onto the floor

You started getting crazy, told me fuck you like a whore

I thought you was an angel now you yellin' to the Lord

Um, okay. But it's not just Mac who's obsessed with the pop star. She recently started dating Pete Davidson, and he got not one, but TWO tribute tattoos for her. A man-eating icon.

Ariana, tell me your secrets! Is it the ponytail? Is it the little baby doll dresses? Is it the nearly impossible physique combined with the personal grooming products only available to those with the money to shop at Sephora's rich people section?

The world will probably never know. Unless she writes that tell-all. Please.

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