It wasn't all that surprising when I could admit to myself that I liked both guys and girls. Maybe it was obvious because my first (accidental) kiss was with a girl in the 5th grade, or that I attended an all-girls high school, or how reading Rolling Stone headline "Should Straight People Attend LGBTQ Pride?" triggered the fuck out of me.
Even now, writing dating articles, there's always been a voice in the back of my mind, nagging me to always use objective pronouns. I thought it was a testament to my "wokeness" but I knew that couldn't be the case once I included scissoring as one of the most awkward sex positions for bigger chicks.
Despite living in a time period where being LGBTQ+ positive was becoming more socially acceptable, I still tried locking my bi feelings away, until I couldn't.
In what world would a girl willingly date a fat girl?
The minute the revelation of my sexual identity left my lips, I had a relapse of insecurity. Even though I've gotten DMs from people on how confident I am and received many many "yaas queens", my appreciation for all of it was minimal.
I've seen the way in which body positivity has predominantly been centered around (mostly) women. Mainstream media doesn't speak much about the plus-size male experience, and they damn sure don't talk about their dating lives, which is what led me believe I was in the same undesireable boat if I'd reveal my truth. I wanted to date girls, but girls wouldn't want to date my big and tall ass.
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Getting a guy to like me never felt like a challenge. I'm cute, don't get it twisted, but with a guy, I could meet societal standards and we'd still look like we "fit" together (as long as he was tall). The same, however, couldn't be said dating a girl because a lot of women aren't built like me. They're tiny, dainty little things. All of which I am not, nor will I ever be. And to be very frank, I like being a bottom despite having the appearance of a top.
Additionally, some girls are more likely to be judgmental and catty. Not all girls, just the ones who tormented me on my weight and intentionally left me out of everything when I still thought I was straight. Those are the girls who made me convince myself I was straight as a pin.
I (very ignorantly) used to think bisexuality was 'being greedy'
In my mind at the time, being bisexual was a cruel thing to admit to your partner. They'd not only have to keep you interested in the current relationship, but be in constant fear of losing you to your same sex too. But isn't it always the ignorant homophobes who stay hiding in the closet? Never did I ever think I'd be that guy.
Being bigger than both guys and girls had already made me hate myself — meanwhile, I was still internally battling myself on how I was "too dark" in comparison to other skinfolk. Adding bisexuality to my already long list of insecurities was just out of the question.
I've only (very) recently came out to my GBF and my sister, but I still haven't told my parents. Not because I'm afraid of their reactions (they've already accepted me, thinking I was bi before I thought I was bi), but because I don't want them to think I'm dating because then they'll just pry too damn much.
I'm still in the process of getting over being big and bi, thinking I'd never be any girl's type. But in the meantime, I think it's time I start learning more about being the B in LGBTQ+.
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