Here’s what type of hoe you are based on your star sign
If you’re a Sagittarius you’re a saucy lil thot
by Una Dabiero
We are living in the hoe renaissance and oh, are we lucky. It’s easier today than ever to have a little fun hoeing it up. Whether you just want to post that thot squat on Insta or just want to get out there and get it in, the resources are at your fingertips in this age of the internet.
Have you ever wondered your place in today’s hoeciety? Well strap in, because your star sign has a lot to say about what type of hoe you are.
Capricorn: The attention-hoe hoe
If you’re a Capricorn, you’re a lot to handle. You’re the type of girl who brags to her friends about her hot hook-ups and tells everyone when you move up a cup size. You’re always fucking athletes and sending screenshots of your hottest Tinder matches to your entire gang. You like to be the center of attention and insist on DJing each and every pregame. But we have to hand it to you, you handle being a slutty celeb pretty well.
Sagittarius: The ‘I’ll try anything once’ hoe
If you’re a Sagittarius, you are willing to do literally anything for the thrill of it. You’re probably very into Frat guys and you tried anal with Chad, but then you tried it again with Tommy and be honest, you’ll probably try it again with Luke. You’re the type of girl who takes Jager bombs and is always trying to cut the cocaine. You always lose “Never have I ever” but thats why your friends love you – you keep it interesting.
Scorpio: The stalker hoe
Scorpios don’t like to be wronged – and you keep tabs on basically everyone know to make sure that doesn’t happen. You are what we call “neurotic AF.” You always know exactly who your ex is dating and you Facebook stalk every Tinder match to make sure he is up to par. And you use your stalker skills to your benefit — you always find out how much money his parents have before you sleep with him and you often keep tabs on the bartenders you’ve fucked for free drinks. You’re an evil scientist, Scorpio. There’s nothing wrong with that.
Libra: The quiet hoe
Libra, you’re the type of girl who seems like a goodie-two-shoes, but really has multiple guys on the line. Be honest, you’re secretly kinky and have a secret photo library full of nudes. You only tell your hoe secrets when you’re drunk and Becky probably has no idea you slept with her best guy friend last week, does she? Keep secretly hoeing it up, but remember you can let loose. No one will judge you.
Virgo: The dominant hoe
Virgo, you like to be the dominant one in everything you do. You’re alway s the one to make the first move and you will shamelessly booty call your FWB. You’re the type who would bring handcuffs on the first date because you know exactly what you want. You’re performative af – you drink straight whiskey as a total power move. You love to be on top – during sex and during every other second of your life – but remember sometimes its ok to cut loose.
Leo: The ‘thirst trap’ hoe
If you’re a Leo, you’re THAT social media thot. Your entire Instagram is hot mirror pics and bikini throwbacks that showoff your bod even in the dead of winter. You know exactly how to Facetune your waist and you only wear double push-up bras. You’re the type of hoe that posts makeup selfies on your snap story and you’ve considered being a cam girl at least once. Keep loving yourself, Leo.
Cancer: The blackout hoe
Cancer, you are literally the life of every party. You start the night with ~ 5 shots and always end the night by fucking the DJ. You only have sex when you’re drunk as hell and you’re the first girl to text the group with “you’ll never believe what happened last night.” Keep living your crazy life – but also remember AA is always there to help you.
Gemini: The sneaky hoe
If you’re a Gemini, you already know you’re a snake. And you don’t need this article to tell you, you can feel your malevolence in your bones. You will secretly sleep with all of your guy friends because it’s easy, and you’ve lost at least one friend by sleeping with her ex. You like to drink straight gin, because you’re a psychopath. But perhaps the worst thing you do is steal clothes that people let you borrow. I know you still have my sweater from last November. Gemini, I get it – it’s fun to be the villain. But why don’t you hoe it up with some strangers instead of Becky’s brother?
Taurus: The hoe in denial
Tauruses will pretend they’re not hoes, even though they are a hoe at heart. Let me guess, you’re always telling your friends “I haven’t slept with THAT many guys” and will pretend you didn’t fuck Tom and Anthony in 24 hours last Tuesday. You always secretly send nudes then delete the evidence, and will never join in on girl talk about the costs and benefits of a dick over 10”. Sometimes, you even feel like you have to hide your hoe heart from guys. You’re consistently initiating the “what are we?” talk even though you know you don’t love these motherfuckers. Taurus, let your freak flag fly! We are all here to support you.
Aries: The over-the-top hoe
If you’re an Aries, you’re just extra. All of your clothes are either leather or low-cut. You’re the type of girl who will take her hook-up out to the bar just to publicly makeout with him and you find no shame in texting guys “wanna fuck” at 2 a.m. You have 100 percent given a blow-job in a bathroom and let me guess: you love doggy-style? Aries, keep living life not tied down — your wild spirit deserves to keep getting scissored in the local park.
Pisces: The emotional hoe
Pisces, you’re a bit of a softie. You’re always telling your hookups your problems, you cry about that guy you fucked last week whenever you’re drunk, and you always love them after the first date. You want to cuddle literally every man in your life and you are always telling your friends “he’s the one.” You have also dropped hundreds of dollars on pregnancy tests, because you know your mood HAS to be the hormones. You’re a little bitch, but we love you for it. Xoxo.
Aquarius: The fuckboy
Aquarius, you are a heartbreaker. You never text guys back and you will unapologetically cancel a date at the last minute to have a wine night with the girls. You are the girl all of us want to be. You’re the type of bitch who makes boys give her head with no reciprocation and is always willing to drink out of a beer bong. At least three men have cried in your presence. You know your power and we are all so very proud of you.
Related stories recommended by this writer:
● Everything you know if you’re a big booty hoe
● You’re probably a fuckgirl if you’ve pulled any of these iconic hoe schemes – and I’m sure you have
● Hurt-trapping is the new way to hoe on Instagram while just looking edgy