Here are all the trends I thought were still cool, but are actually completely over
Push me to the edge, all my trends are dead
by Una Dabiero
I'll be honest with you guys, I've never really been cool. I was chunky and had crooked teeth all through school. I liked Disney Channel for an embarrassingly long time and I was really into weird stuff like debate club and boys who played the tuba.
But I've especially never been super cool when it comes to clothes. Fashion moves way too quick for me. Like, I swear to God, they have fashion shows 3 seasons ahead of time, and then I have no idea what to do. Am I supposed to wear Gucci Fall 2018 right now to be cool? Or do I hold out, like I did with my virginity?
Thinkin about the girls in middle school who would wear white sneakers and match the laces to their shirt color. A daily change in laces. Where do you think they are now?
— lm (@envytheliving) February 1, 2018
So the other day, when I realized everyone just kinda stopped wearing some of my favorite clothes, I took a step back and realized what I had to do. I had to educate the (uncool) masses on what clothes of ours just aren't trendy anymore. You know, according to the internet and Vogue. You don't have to listen to me. I mean, after all, I still carry a Michael Kors bag. But I thought you might want to know.
Your favorite witchy accessory will now get you burned on a stake by Twitter users. Time to throw all those leather ropes you bought at Forever 21 away.
The lace-up top was perfect. It could be dressy, it could be casual. You could slap it on basically any silhouette to make it a little more interesting. But no fun necklines now, bitches. It's back to normal deep V's.
I nearly cried when I read off-the-shoulder shirts are only for Bachelor contestants. I feel like I've taken a time machine back to High School and someone's telling me to cover my shoulders up. But instead of it being some douchey principal, it's my peers. And that fucking hurts.
These combat boots with big-ass laces that look like electrical cords are one million percent out. So is everything from Hot Topic (except plaid), if you were wondering.
The flouncy skirt look that made us all look innocent and wide-hipped (the perfect combo for pouncing on men) is now out. Excuse me while I mourn all my bottoms that aren't denim, lmao.
Snap-away track pants
This athletic look that channels your inner Kanye is sadly no longer a thing. Neither is Adidas as a "look." But I'm definitely keeping my Stan Smiths, sorry!
Apparently, wearing baby clothes is out. I'm honestly not too upset about this one. Overalls were just the more unfortunate form of the romper, and no one likes wearing what's essentially a denim straight-jacket, sorry!
Fishnets under pants
All I have to say about this one is that locals ruin everything.
According to our social girl, Syra, "It's all about neons and primary colors, boo!" And black. It's always about black. Honestly, this one cuts deep. I don't just have to get rid of clothes, I have to get rid of like, my entire brand. I'm not ready to be fashionable.
This story has me thinking I’m only going to wear solid colors and classic styles 24/7. Or I’m going to stop caring about fashion trends. My yoga teacher and life coach would probably prefer the second.