What your phone charger’s current state of distress says about you as a person
‘What percent are you on?’
Remember when we all had different phone chargers for the 6,000 iterations of Nokia and LG and Motorola flippy bois we upgraded every two years? And if your phone died, you were SOL because the only way your friend might have a charger is if they either had your exact phone or one of those multi-headed beasts that looked like what they beat Jesus with?
If you believe in astrology or palm reading or crystals or God, then you're absolutely not allowed to not take this guide seriously because it's all basically the same thing. In fact, I'd argue that this is way more believable because your phone charger's state is a direct reflection of your own day-to-day life choices. For example:
Frayed to shit
I hold this truth to be self-evident: you have said ah, fuck it and decided to use Plan B as a contraceptive at no fewer than two (2) times in your life. But even though your charger is clinging to life by a one millimeter expose copper wire, it's always been there for you. It's Old Faithful, and has gotten you through tough times like the Great Nudes Snapchat Mixup of 2016 and every time you texted your boyfriend "have a nice life" after he had to work late. You're a mess, but you're trying your best.
A freshhhh, straight from the source
Seriously? A brand-new, fully in-tact Apple cord? You're a cop. No, you're not a cop because all cops have big, Otterbox'd Androids the size of tablets and afixed to their belt. You're worse than a cop…you're a sucker.
'What percent you at?'
Lawless motherfucker. You have no charger — and what's worse, you don't even want one. You're completely happy to scrounge for scraps of phone juice, regardless of if you know the person or not: car trips, the airport, those little computer station thingies people use to watch porn on the NYC streets. I honestly think that if your dying great-grandma's life support machine could power your phone, you'd unplug it. At least until you get to 20 percent.
New charger from a third-party source
Gas station chargers are in a league of their own. Will they supercharge your phone to 200 percent? Will they burn your house down? Is the plastic casing completely hollow? Who knows?! Not you until you shell out $30 for it because you were that desperate. But that's kind of you summed up. You're just flying by the seat of your pants, trying to scrape things together at the last minute and hoping it all works out. How many times has your electricity bill been late this year? Answer honestly.
It only works when I use it
Like a mythic sword or an all-powerful ring, only one can wield the power of your busted-ass charger: you. Take my charger, for instance. To the untrained eye, it's a perfectly nice and relatively in-shape cable. Then someone tries to plug their phone in…and gets nothing. You fool! Only I can reveal its secrets. You just gotta flip it over. That's the secret.
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