We trolled D-List celebrities like Jonathan Cheban and Scott Disick and they all fell for it
A new low for Cheban
When you're as famous as saaaay Luke Hemsworth but definitely not as famous as Liam Hemsworth, you have to actually work for a living.
You have to fill your diary with bullshit events and humiliating promo just to keep a roof over your head and water in your infinity pool. If you're an idiot, it means selling bogus healing crystals, and if you're a cruel charlatan, it means endorsing vile golden chicken wings that look like expensive salmonella. Pity the low-tier celebrities, constantly worrying that their most recent Kardashian appearance was as far back as 2011, or that TMZ won't even bother filming them outside LAX anymore.
So we set out to find out how bad life is for Hollywood's D-List, and see just how close to rock-bottom they are. The plan? Email the world's worst famous d-bags, from Justin Bobby to Robin Thicke, with an offer from the lowest of the low, the Antichrists themselves: College Republicans! I pretended to be the toffee-nosed president of UMiami's Republican coven, with a stupid name and a stupid budget to match. I, the obviously-fake 'Chuck Talmadge', a Reagan-quoting rising sophomore who Respects The Flag, would dangle the offer of an all-expenses paid speech next semester. Who would nibble? Who is desperate enough to speak in front of 50 suited turds about free market capitalism? Let's find out!
Enter the crown prince of promo, that melted hamster seen scurrying through the background of KUWTK, Jonathan Cheban! He was the first person we contacted as Chuck Talmadge, our stooge, and he was interested. It wasn't long before he cc'd his manager, Kevin Gould, who told us Cheban's rate for an appearance is $25,000, and asked for a phone call to discuss. I was quickly in over my head.
Amazingly, Kevin didn't smell a rat on the phone, even though I am British and have a New York number. I've never even been to Florida! Gould told me Cheban "doesn't really talk about politics that much" and if booked, would stick to discussing his career as an entrepreneur and food deity. "He kinda stays out of politics," Gould explained. "Food is a universal thing that whether you're Republican or Democrat or independent or whatever you are, that you identify with."
We asked if he needed transport and accommodation, and Gould said Cheban would take care of the hotel if we coughed up $25k, bought him two first class tickets and organized a car service. On the subject of green room rider, and if Cheban would need anything in particular on the day, Gould said: "He's pretty simple."
Scott Disick of Disick Industries
With every passing Kardashian season, Scott Disick's hold on fame becomes shakier, but that hasn't stopped him from charging truly exorbitant rates for guest appearances. We contacted his email (which includes the phrase "Disick Industries" – what industries ???), and his manager Matt Osborn quoted us a ludicrous $100,000 for an hour of Disick. Not only that but he also wanted first class-tickets for three, a suite and two standard king rooms at a five-star hotel.
Disick's manager then asked to see a formal offer and at that point, the jig was up. So I responded with a "formal offer" in a Google Doc, but really it was just this photo of a bird with a human dick. Matt saw my email but he didn't respond, so I called him a coward.
Robin Thicke, the divorce guy
Remember this guy? He dedicated an album to his estranged wife in June 2014 and it was so bad she filed for divorce in October. That was four years ago, so we thought Robin Thicke would be dying for a bit of paid work. His manager told Chris Knight told us Thicke would love to speak at UMiami's College Republicans event. But he's working on new music!
Thicke's manager said he appreciated that someone, anyone out there was "thinking of Robin," and added he would "kindly pass." But he did say he would "circle back" if his schedule opened up. How kind.
Spencer Pratt, crystal healer
While Spencer may have veered into the alternative universe of hawking crystals for health, he's still a sucker for a sweet paid gig with a few soulless College Republicans. One of his managers, who specifically runs his speaking engagements (ha!), said his fee was $25,000 plus "first class hotel accommodations, professional ground transportation, meals, and incidentals."
We asked to see Spencer Pratt's rider and will update if we hear back.
Jake Paul, the YouTube guy that sucks
Jake Paul is a Mitt Romney guy because he doesn't want "lazy bitches fucking up the economy." So presumably he'd love to speak about being a young Republican? He's on tour right now but his mom said "possible depending on timing." Write back soon Jake!
Logan Paul, the YouTube guy that sucks harder
He's seen our messages but not responded. Life must be going well for Logan.
Justin Bobby, the guy from The Hills who wore too many clothes
Exclusive: Justin Bobby will debase himself for an audience of wannabe corporate vampires! We messaged his band email (the band is called BobbyrocK and stylized as such), and his manager Sam Shah picked it up. The cost of Justin Bobby's integrity is $12,750, plus expenses for him and his tour manager.
We've responded to this email and will update with the reply if they don't read this article first.
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