If he does any of these things he’s DEFINITELY got battery acid nut

Anytime you make the rash decision to be courageous for a night and consume his leftovers, it's always a surprise. Not everyone's lucky enough to receive salted porridge—sometimes you’ll encounter the dreaded curse of the battery acid nut.

My last boyfriend made claims he was eating healthier, but after having my most awful experience of his acidic nuttery, I knew he was doing his diet and lifestyle all wrong to pass on the horrid taste.

Once the dick is done, do yourself a favor and make sure your FWB isn't doing anything to make his finishings taste like cream for vegans because some guys aren't always so mindful of their food consumption or hygiene. Brace yourself if he does any of these things, and warn your dick appointment in advance.

Drinks purple gatorade

Guys are shit out of luck if they think I'm going down on them after having chugged anything purple. That's that gasoline and mustard flavor right there.

His beard is detached from his sideburns

I love me a good hombre, but when the fade of his sideburns ghosts his beard like tumble weed in a western film, he got some jank nut. If you have any once of respect for your stomach, don't let him deepthroat. You're welcome.

Pops a Xanax before putting it down on you

Pill popping of any kind before having sex is a surefire way to have you spitting up. If he wants the nookie, he needs to come through clean.

Still watches blu rays

Dis-gusting! Niggas who can't afford a Netflix account should disconnect from the internet immediately. Matter of fact you're moms should beat that ass thinking you deserve some sloppy head.

Chews on celery over carrots

In which universe do psychopaths willingly eat the celery instead of the carrots? You might as well chew on Jonathan Cheban's low-life, vile chicken wings.

Drinks more Moutain Dew than water

Who the fuck is sipping green juice for the hell of it? I'd prefer he shoot his shot elsewhere if my dick appointment drinks more lemon lime soda that tastes nothing of the sort.

And when he does drink water, it's…Dasani

I'm convinced any guy buying into the so-called "mineral infused" water (sponsored by McDonald's) is diseased. That lil bitch knows his cum is on some radioactive shit. GTFO!

Eats purple Doritos

First of all, you're fake as fuck if you know anyone who isn't teetering between the cool ranch and the nacho cheese (the red bag is the obvious winner). But the fact that he's eating neither at all is him practically screaming in your face his nut is backwashed.

His iPhone charger is frayed

Maybe in addition to his late night Pornhub run, he was flocking the rod on his phone charger. Who knows, but if you're not taking care of your cables, I would assume your not taking care of the main chord either.

Blacks out on weekdays

Liquor will definitely do damange to your bae's dongle excretion, but if he plans to forget everything that he did that week, you can bet your bottom dollar there's no tomorrow for the amount of hurling you'll do if you down his Hennessy-induced nut.

Sprays Axe instead of actually showering

If there were an award for most gut-wrenching man stink, it's any of the Axe spray bottles. He sprays his dick with it, and than means his nut is as tasteful as the Taco Bell kitchen floors. Adios, bitch!

Subtweets girls way the fuck out of his league

The poor girls who have to endure receiving notifications from a guy who's weekday cum stains wreak of group sex and Cheez-Itz. If you see your hookup subtweeting (read: retired) porn stars, tell him he can fuck off when he asks for head.

And then pays for porn

He's a loser if he's throwing down bread to watch facials, but can't afford a vegan salad so his jizz is intact for you to get her done. Fuck off home boy.

Tries doing donuts with his car

The level of acidity in his nut is appalling if he's the type to get all Nascar racer on you. He should douche the head of his wormy to eliminate some of that fish sauce if he's expecting you take a cum shot.

BBQ sticky wings and blue cheese

Yeah, sure they're delicious, but don't ever order that shit around me when you expect to get head later on. If asks for the sticky wings, walk out now.

Eats cheese from a can

Canned cheese is the semen of all cheeses, and you'll do well to remember that if he's fucking with liquid brie, you'll have cottage cheese dribbling down your chin risking it.

Wears anything tie dye

Some people like the taste of toaster strudel, others enjoy the flavor of dirty hamster. You can bet the latter will be slipping down your tastebuds if he's rocking a tasteless rainbow crew neck on your next date.

Uses salt on McDonald's fries

I don't know if it's just the fries or the salt, but the combination of his salt preferences and the greasy potatoes that no doubt touched the floor do nothing good for your tastebuds. Try not to hurl.

Drinks moonshine

The deadliest of alcohols is definitely a sign of toxic cum. The crusty stains on your bed are probably glowing in the dark as we speak! Nuh uh, honey boo boo.

And matcha tea

You're sick in the head if you're sucking off the likes of matcha semen. Have some respeck, girl.

Doesn't wear socks with his sneakers

The foot funk is probably creeping into his ball sack right now.

Munches on hot Cheetos for breakfast

I'm not here to be anyone's mutha, but don't eat flaming hot Cheetos before 10 AM. He should at least have the decency to jerk off in the shower before making your lips drain him dry.

Buttchugs his beer

Any dude that partakes in booze via the ass, his junk reeks and tastes like your baking soda and vinegar science project from 7th grade, bruh. Get it together.

Flips his underwear inside out to wear for ya'll date

Guys know when their pesto is flavored how Post Malone looks. Just don't, okay.

Has ever had a cavity

While I'm no expert on dentistry, it's plausible to say whatever he's putting in his mouth that not even the bones of of his teeth could handle, your mouth shouldn't suffer the same fate.

Takes his coffee black

I'm typically always on board for anything black and powerful *wink* but a guy who can't cream his coffee is not worth my time or my succulent skills. That's a mystery I'm not interested in swallowing whole.

Related stories recommended by this writer:

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● I swapped out my dating app pics for makeup-free photos to see how guys would react

● Would you fuck this TERRIFYING Justin Bieber sex doll?

● If you did ANY of these things as a kid, you’re depressed now

@aribines