All the things that’ll make you a ‘keeper’ according to the men of the internet
Don’t be a keeper, just leave her the fuck alone
by Ari Bines
As a disclaimer, no woman should really aspire to be kept by anybody because let’s face it—we’re all too fucked in the head to even have the audacity to control anyone.
However, there are still those chosen few who desire the life of a housewife married to an ugly rich man.
So in the event that this is your idea of bae goals, looking down while humping a greasy wrinkly geezer with a combover, we’ve consulted the most shallow subjects on the internet—men. Here are all the disgusting ways you can get on his radar.
Work on your gag reflex
If she DON'T have a gag reflex she's a keeper
— Sinestro (@iamESKO) March 8, 2013
He can push, shove and jam your head into his crotch for innumerable lengths of time. How could that not make you wifey material. Call up the priest now to marry you off to his four inch dong.
Cook like his mama
If she cook for you and you ain’t ask she a keeper 🤷🏽♂️
— Collier E. (@ezszn_) June 30, 2018
As long as his mama cooked frozen microwaveable dinners, then yeah, I’d definitely be a keeper.
Clean like his mama
U know u have a keeper when she cleans your bathroom for ya without asking….
— Swaggart Simplicity (@NoleB0905) July 1, 2018
If he’s smart, he shouldn’t aim my cleaning expectations too high. I’m no Billy Mays for OxiClean, but I can Swiffer for five minutes. And that’s all the wiping you’d ever get.
Have had sex with three people or less
If u find a girl who only had sex with a hand full nd have no diseases nd got her own she's a keeper
— Im YAMMING SUMTHIN (@DominicPatters1) August 17, 2013
Not sure why guys think we’re holding out for them seeing as women are scientifically having fewer orgasms because their partners are useless.
She’s a keeper if she swallows your kids 🤪🤪🤪😛
— Javierdinho🇧🇷🇧🇷 (@Jdonovan_10) June 16, 2018
Never put it past men to be sickeningly gross. It’s like if you’ve got enough guts to swallow his battery acid nut, you’re one to bring home to his parents. Boy, bye!
You won’t make him shop with you, unless it’s for bras and panties of course
You know you’ve got a keeper when she does your food shopping whilst you go to the gym #wifeymaterial
— Lewis (@lewiscopping) June 24, 2018
Lingerie is the only thing he’ll be dragged to the mall for. Regardless of the numerous times you’ve stood around looking lost and bored as he tried on several snapbacks in some dingy shop for fuckboy apparel.
If you get on top
A girl's only a keeper if she can make me nut while SHES on top #rare
— Trip: The A$$ G0D (@Trip_GAWD) July 17, 2014
There’s a certain amount of give and take in sex, but earnestly, we’d prefer to just take and being on top gives him all the pleasure while you’re just barely getting there with your dick riding expertise.
You stay loyal while he fucks around
She's a keeper if she's loyal when it's unofficial.
— A Lost Soul (@EnviousVibess) June 26, 2018
Remaining loyal to him while he gets his dick wet, is essentially the same plotline as the Fifty Shades trilogy. Girl likes guy, but guy still calls up his 40-year-old mistress for relationship advice and has an emotionally unstable submissive who still wants him back. Oh yeah, and mommy issues. Can’t forget about those mommy issues.
Playing video games
If your girl plays video games with you she’s a keeper 💯
— Brandon Flores (@brandonflores56) July 3, 2018
Although he wants you to play him in Mortal Kombat, and you have the skills to kick ass, he’ll be damned if you go ahead and beat him. Know how to work a joystick, but don’t play too hard now, ya hear.
Giving him money
She’s a keeper if she brings money to me.
— SU (@Sunay201) July 2, 2018
Every woman works hard for her money, meaning I have way more pressing purchases to make than throwing it away to him to buy the 5th installment of GTA. My wallet is reserved for Too Faced makeup and skincare scrubs only!
Knowledge of sports
A girl who can talk sports and knows what she is talking about is called one thing a keeper. 😍😍😍
— Dylan Mitchell (@__DMITCH03__) December 30, 2015
Sorry, but it’s a deal breaker if we’re talking sports, as in the wife-beating players in football or the cheating Tristans in basketball. Tennis, sure. Golf, maybe, but I think I’ll stay single if we’re talking sports with abusers sitting court side.
Tie a cherry stem with your tongue
By everyone and their mother’s definition, tying a cherry stem with your tongue means you know how to work that tongue. If you’re looking for a ring on that finger, better start going to that WikiHow page on how to get her done.
Drink straight liquor
If she drinks whiskey and beer… She a fuckin keeper! 💯💯💯
— 'Young & Hungry' (@PDUB513) February 20, 2018
Ditch those mojitos, margaritas and tequila sunrises for good, ladies. Drinking the hard stuff makes you more appealing as a woman than your fufu drinks. If you want to be kept, throwback that Jack.
Roll the blunt to perfection
Every man I’ve ever encountered who enjoys to wake and bake the morning after will always look to me with puppy dog eyes because they can’t roll for shit. But as long as you know how a YouTube tutorial works to roll that joint and feed his ego, you’re well on your way to becoming Mrs. Fuckboy.
Wearing heels everywhere
If She Wears Christian Louboutin (Red Bottom Heels) She's A Keeper!
— Instagram : SrFresco (@MoneyTheMotive) March 4, 2011
Oh hell naw, he’s straight trippin. My feet are off the table. If he can’t accept me at my Helga Pataki, he definitely can’t have me at my Rhonda Wellington Lloyd.
Related stories recommended by this writer:
‘It’s not me…it’s you’: How to breakup with someone you love in person
Your pain must end at some point
by Ari Bines
Once you've passed the 6-month mark in your relationship, you owe it them an in-person breakup. Many have (and will) take the easy way out, shooting the soon-to-be ex a text, voicemail or, if you're lucky, an actual phone call. It's tough being the bitch you've been rehearsing to be your whole life, but this…
We asked girls for their weirdest turn-ons — and they did NOT disappoint
Y’all are insane
by Ari Bines
I've come to the realization that what turns me on most are not normal for most people. A guy who can tickle my fancy (and…other bits) can sometimes make my body do some pretty wild things. But since I don't want to be alone with all my freaky turn-ons, I sought out out babe readers…
A guide to video chat sex for all you long-distance non-cheaters out there
Step 1: Make sure your internet works
by Ari Bines
For suckers who choose to remain faithful despite being hundreds of miles away from their significant bae, you'll undoubtedly use Skype/FaceTime sex to keep the relationship hot. Late, lonely nights will come along while Soulja Boy Tell'em's Kiss Me Thru the Phone plays in the background, and you become unbearably horny. Because I'm committed to…