All the things that’ll make you a ‘keeper’ according to the men of the internet

As a disclaimer, no woman should really aspire to be kept by anybody because let’s face it—we’re all too fucked in the head to even have the audacity to control anyone.

However, there are still those chosen few who desire the life of a housewife married to an ugly rich man. So in the event that this is your idea of bae goals, looking down while humping a greasy wrinkly geezer with a combover, we’ve consulted the most shallow subjects on the internet—men. Here are all the disgusting ways you can get on his radar.

Work on your gag reflex

He can push, shove and jam your head into his crotch for innumerable lengths of time. How could that not make you wifey material. Call up the priest now to marry you off to his four inch dong.

Cook like his mama

As long as his mama cooked frozen microwaveable dinners, then yeah, I’d definitely be a keeper.

Clean like his mama

If he’s smart, he shouldn’t aim my cleaning expectations too high. I’m no Billy Mays for OxiClean, but I can Swiffer for five minutes. And that’s all the wiping you’d ever get.

Have had sex with three people or less

Not sure why guys think we’re holding out for them seeing as women are scientifically having fewer orgasms because their partners are useless.

If you…swallow

Never put it past men to be sickeningly gross. It’s like if you’ve got enough guts to swallow his battery acid nut, you’re one to bring home to his parents. Boy, bye!

You won’t make him shop with you, unless it’s for bras and panties of course

Lingerie is the only thing he’ll be dragged to the mall for. Regardless of the numerous times you’ve stood around looking lost and bored as he tried on several snapbacks in some dingy shop for fuckboy apparel.

If you get on top

There’s a certain amount of give and take in sex, but earnestly, we’d prefer to just take and being on top gives him all the pleasure while you’re just barely getting there with your dick riding expertise.

You stay loyal while he fucks around

Remaining loyal to him while he gets his dick wet, is essentially the same plotline as the Fifty Shades trilogy. Girl likes guy, but guy still calls up his 40-year-old mistress for relationship advice and has an emotionally unstable submissive who still wants him back. Oh yeah, and mommy issues. Can’t forget about those mommy issues.

Playing video games

Although he wants you to play him in Mortal Kombat, and you have the skills to kick ass, he’ll be damned if you go ahead and beat him. Know how to work a joystick, but don’t play too hard now, ya hear.

Giving him money

Every woman works hard for her money, meaning I have way more pressing purchases to make than throwing it away to him to buy the 5th installment of GTA. My wallet is reserved for Too Faced makeup and skincare scrubs only!

Knowledge of sports

Sorry, but it’s a deal breaker if we’re talking sports, as in the wife-beating players in football or the cheating Tristans in basketball. Tennis, sure. Golf, maybe, but I think I’ll stay single if we’re talking sports with abusers sitting court side.

Tie a cherry stem with your tongue

By everyone and their mother’s definition, tying a cherry stem with your tongue means you know how to work that tongue. If you’re looking for a ring on that finger, better start going to that WikiHow page on how to get her done.

Drink straight liquor

Ditch those mojitos, margaritas and tequila sunrises for good, ladies. Drinking the hard stuff makes you more appealing as a woman than your fufu drinks. If you want to be kept, throwback that Jack.

Roll the blunt to perfection

Every man I’ve ever encountered who enjoys to wake and bake the morning after will always look to me with puppy dog eyes because they can’t roll for shit. But as long as you know how a YouTube tutorial works to roll that joint and feed his ego, you’re well on your way to becoming Mrs. Fuckboy.

Wearing heels everywhere

Oh hell naw, he’s straight trippin. My feet are off the table. If he can’t accept me at my Helga Pataki, he definitely can’t have me at my Rhonda Wellington Lloyd.

Related stories recommended by this writer:

● All the things that make you a slut, according to the men of the internet

● You’re unattractive if you’re wearing any of these things, according to the men of the internet

● Everything curvy girls NEED to do, according to men of the internet

● You’re gay if you do any of these things, according to the men of the internet

@aribines