New Year’s resolutions you can actually achieve in 2018 without sweating or dieting or really making any major changes
Like listening to more Ariana Grande
by Una Dabiero
If you're like most of us, you're pretty lazy. You're even lazy on New Year's Day, the day everyone is supposed to be so not lazy it pisses the normally motivated people off. This causes a lot of feels around the time people are coming up with resolutions.
You know resolutions are bullshit, but somewhere deep inside you want to do something good for yourself this year. But you don't want to set a goal that's too unattainable because you'll feel like shit for not hitting the target. Not to fear. Here's a list of stupid shit you can do for yourself with basically zero effort. They're also way more fun to share than Becky's "I'm going to journal for FIVE minutes a day!"
Stop wasting 15 minutes a day watching Kylie Jenner’s snap stories
I know it's tempting to keep up with everything the youngest Kardashian is doing, and I'm guessing it will be even more tempting when her Snap story is full of videos of her rumored baby.
Me on Kylie Jenner’s Snapchat now that Khloé confirmed she’s pregnant pic.twitter.com/UrJY11tj6g
— Maloree✨ (@maloree_kriewal) December 20, 2017
But really, we owe it to ourselves to only keep up with Kylie on Instagram and E! TV. We'll be way more productive AND less depressed about the fact we aren't rich, dating a rapper, and stable enough to start a family at 20.
Stop eating pizza/Chinese food/McDonald's every time you go out
Pepperoni Pizza literally tastes like molten gold when you're drunk and its scientifically-proven to be addicting. Drunk food is all fucking heavenly. But really, if we could limit ourselves to drunk food like… once a month or something, we would feel so much better. I'm not sure why, but I've been told eating less greasy food is a good thing.
Listen to more Ariana Grande
Ariana Grande is THAT bitch. All of her songs just make you feel like you are capable of running a marathon, killing some fuckboys, and getting all A's.
If you start listening to “Bad Decisions” by Ariana Grande at 11:57:52 you will hear Ariana say “ain’t you ever seen a princess be a bad bitch” and you will start 2018 feeling like a bad bitch so i mean … yes pls
— Christmas nevee🎄 (@Onelovesabs) December 19, 2017
We're going to need all the help we can get to feel good in 2018, and I think the best way to do that is listening to more Ariana. And maybe Cardi B. We'll get to that later.
Start drinking more Gin & Tonic
Guys, Gin & Tonics only have like 120 calories and have proven health benefits. They're much better for you than any kind of soda. Or any kind of Vodka drink, as we all know Vodka is made with the tears of Lucifer. I propose we all start drinking more Gin in 2018, especially us psychopaths.
Unfollow all of the ponzi-scheme Facebook pages you've been roped into over the years
I'm not sure about y'all, but I've had many a distant cousin or hometown "friend" add me to their ponzi-scheme Facebook pages where they sell lipgloss or purses or patterned leggings. Now I'm not shitting on their hustle, I'm just suggesting that if we don't buy these things, we get ourselves the fuck out of their groups. A less cluttered Facebook TL makes everyone happy, tbh. And then you don't have to see the drama about Jessica ordering the wrong size for Susie which means she MUST think she's fat.
Stop watching movies just because some guy you're with wants to
Do you know how many minutes of my life I've spent watching some shitty comedy or Planet Earth reruns with dates, knowing at some point during the movie they were going to whip their dick out? Imagine if I had suggested movies I'm actually interested in! Even if we didn't get all the way through the film because our date devolved into a sex session, I would've knocked out a solid 30 minutes and could go back and finish. The movie, of course. There's no way I was finishing on ANY of those dates.
Watch more documentaries
Ok, speaking of movies, we all need to start watching more documentaries. They're a quick, painless way to educate yourself on a topic you knew nothing about before and if you're like me, documentaries about social issues make you want to go out and DO something. We could all do more of that in 2018.
Stop buying crop tops at Forever 21 that fall apart after one wash
I know that $8 seems like a steal when you buy that crop top. Trust me, I do it all the time. But then the shirt falls apart after one time in your shitty-ass washer and you realize you just threw away almost $10. Let's not do this to ourselves anymore.
Stop retweeting generic Twitter accounts
As much as I loved "Common White Girl" or "what?" in High School, I think it's time they met their demise.
ever since i muted Freddy Amazin, Common White Girl & all those trash accounts my skin got clearer, hair got healthier, 10/10 recommend
— ang 🌸 (@nob00tyJudy) February 23, 2017
There are literally so many comics and just generally funny people on Twitter we should support instead of retweeting stolen jokes and vines that have been made into mediocre memes. OUR SOCIAL MEDIA DESERVES BETTER.
Stop rewatching THAT show
I. Am. Done. With. Us. All. Wasting. Our. Time. Rewatching. The Office. Gossip Girl. Or. Grey's. Anatomy. Think about what we could be using that time to do!! Why is Blair Waldorf still a part of our modern lexicon?! Why do people still buy Dunder Mifflin gifts and think it's charming?! Let's all move on!
Support Cardi B at all costs
You know who probably deserves a better 2018 more than any of us? Cardi B. She has literally fought against all odds to bring us bitch anthems and speak out for people who aren't respected in society. Collectively, we should make it a goal to support the fuck out of her. Buy her albums, stream her music, follow her on Insta, obsess over her and offset, etc. She could survive without us 100000000%, but a little extra support can never hurt xoxo
Stop arguing with the babe social media girls
Guys, they're tired. While it may be their passion to post memes and stuff, its also their day job. They shouldn't have to go home thinking about how commenter 690 called them a fat slut. It's not cool.
Drink more water
With the constant reminders on Twitter, this should be an easy one.
u bitches don’t drink enough water
— nedarb (@NEDARBNAGROM) December 22, 2017
Let 2018 be the year we all buy a reusable water bottle at Walmart that looks like a Swell and drink out of it 24/7. Your skin will thank you.
LEAVE BELLA THORNE ALONE
SHE IS AN ANGEL. That is all.
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